Sunday, October 30, 2011

tickle in my tummy

     Last Tuesday I was sitting in Graves computer lab when I felt it. Absolutely, believe me or not, I felt it. Our little Joy jumped a little. It was a super soft flutter, but it was real! It was NOT gas (I mean come on, I've had plenty of gas in my lifetime. I know what that feels like), it was our child rustling around inside my belly. I even texted our OBGYN Kim and she said its not impossible. NOT IMPOSSIBLE. And it was definitely a full fledged flutter. It felt like he or she was tickling me real soft from inside. It was marvelous. I felt it again that night and this past Friday. Its maybe the  coolest thing I have felt ever. It makes the pregnancy seem even more real, and what a reminder of the miracle that God is GROWING ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE ME!
     This story is about to get much more interesting too in the next 12 hours or so. At 9:00 tomorrow morning we have an appointment. A very important appointment. Probably so important I won't even get to sleep tonight (which is a rare occurrence for me these days). A future-determining appointment. We find out the gender!!! Its an incredible mystery I am dying to find out. As long as our little baby isn't a shy guy or being modest, we'll find out tomorrow. This is truly worse than Christmas. My friend Jenny is as far along as me, but she cheated and found out already that she's having a little boy. She had an unfair advantage though because she works at hospital and has ultrasound technician friends. Anyways, when she told me tonight I almost jumped out of my sweater I was so happy for them! I can't even begin to imagine how I'll feel tomorrow about our own baby! I'll probably tear up or cry- I've been a big cryer lately. Last week I was watching Law and Order and I started weeping-like loud uncontrollable ugly crying, over a fictional plot on a T.V. show. Real life is going to make me hysterical!
     I'm noticing something else about pregnancy I wasn't expecting. I kept searching my mind to find a word to describe the way I've been feeling lately, and then it hit me. Its sort of like...well it reminds me of...yes- puberty. Exactly. I'm totally grumpy and emotional and SLEEPY and hungry and ultra sensitive at times. I have this new super weird body that none of my clothes fit right anymore, and I have no idea how to dress myself sometimes. I even have a bit of body image issues I think. I mean- there are some huge weird things happening to me, and learning to embrace this ever-changing body is challenging. But I have learned some important insight thanks to all this. Pre-pregnancy, I would maybe define myself as scrawny, skinny armed, with the exact shape of a pencil. There were things about myself, as I suspect there are with all women, that I would like to have been different. And I have been vowing to change that perspective of myself, because I know that when the Lord made me, he made a good thing. A masterpiece. And NOW, as I am gaining new curves and a fuller belly, I suddenly miss my old body and it doesn't seem all that bad. Isn't that just the devil's tricks- the grass is always greener on the other side. Or on somebody else. So this is what I'm learning my second round in puberty: that my view of my (super weird) body will never be a healthy one if I am constantly comparing myself to a socially constructed idea of beauty. Beauty is in the imperfections and the differences in people, not the replicated identities we try to create. I will always be unhappy with myself if I can't see me for who I am. And I am a daughter of the King, a loving and loved wife, a mother... Now I sound like I'm complaining don't I? But let me tell you I never in a million years thought growing my beautiful baby inside me would cause my body image to suffer. But lets be real. Its a huge change, and takes a huge adjustment. And I am hugely excited to experience all that is to come. But its still hard sometimes when my face feels fat and my sweats are getting tight and half my closet feels like it shrunk overnight. These are all serving as little reminders of how I once felt and how many of our students are probably feeling. In that way I am thankful to be revisiting this terrible insecurity head on. So let me say this to all the girls (or I guess boys too) in our youth or otherwise who feel the same occasional dissatisfaction in the mirror- I'm learning who am I to call what God called "very good" anything less. Whatever I look like is ok. Its actually more than ok- its what God calls beauty ( Psalm 45:11) and it is good. I pray the Lord will restore my confidence and others' too. Lets all celebrate the differences that allow us to be beautiful- thick or thin, dark or light, any size and any color, even the swollen pregnant  girl. And there is beauty in all of it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Friday Lunch Dates

     Since me and T.J. are hopelessly in love, we try to have a lunch date every Friday. Well yesterday, this date looked like McDonalds and a walk in some obscure park near campus. Very chilly and romantic. As we sat quietly in front of this pretty fountain, I turned to him and said, "I'm really glad for these times we have now." I love soaking up these last few months of just the two of us, all wrapped up in only each other. Now, thats not to say I can't wait until this little person finally gets here, but I'm realizing a special season in our life is coming to an end- rapidly. I like Friday afternoon lunches and lazy Saturdays when we can do whatever we want. I like King Louie getting his dinner being our biggest personal responsibility. I like sleeping all night long. I like our entire household being potty trained. And I'm open to a new world and all the excitement that comes with Madelyn or Jack Jack, but I'm going to miss the old life too. Isn't that just life? You get kindof used to it and then it just goes and radically changes on you. Keeps things interesting I guess...
     Today my tiny baby is 15 weeks and 2 days. Maybe he or she can hear, which makes me embarrassed when I think of all the solos I take in the shower or in the car. Baby can squint and smile and frown. He or she is like 4 inches long or something like that- like a little baby action figure! Its strange, because I don't feel like I have enough room in my belly to have an action figure in there and not be able to feel it move. But I sure can't feel it. I can't WAIT till the first time we can feel it.




In only 9 days we'll know the gender! Which will be great because I've wanted to know for about 15 weeks and 2 days now, but also so I won't have to keep blogging about this "he or she" anymore. It will majorly free up some typing time for me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

the thing about life is

     The thing about life is it can really wear on you sometimes, can't it? Suddenly things that seem so sure can become not so sure. Things can change. Sometimes its even just the little things that add up, and suddenly you feel dragged down and broken. Well I've been feeling a little broken lately. A little worn down. A little pessimistic about life and all the bad that can happen. A little bit of a downer. Something about the what-if, the unknown, even the has happened, distresses me. I don't know why good happens to some and bad to others. I don't know why some things are easy and some things are hard. I don't understand the complexities of this huge universe I inhabit a small speck of. And I realize I shouldn't- that I serve an infinite God who understands and is in control of all, and HE is God and I am not. But that doesn't make it any easier to make sense of things sometimes. I don't want to be misunderstood, because I believe in God's justice and sovereignty. I know my God is the same God of Job, who gives and takes away; the same God of Abraham who provides for me; the same God of Paul, who is faithful even when I am faithless; Jesus. Still, my heart has been heavy and my spirit darkened to just life in general.
     Until tonight. My father and mother- in - law bought the baby a present today, just because. I wish I could describe the scene completely and the joy in their faces when they gave me the present. They were about to burst with excitement as I opened it! It was a teddy bear.  A precious little stuffed bear in pajamas just waiting to be loved by my little Madelyn or Jack Jack. I know its silly- but in this little stuffed animal I found embodied all the happiness and promise of our daughter or son. Granted, I have alot of feelings lately, but I could barely keep back the tears. I experienced the freshness and excitement of parenthood all over again, and I saw the deep love of my wonderful parents-all in a tiny bear.
     It was this great reminder of all the good in our life. We have been so blessed. And even beyond a bear or a baby or loving family, we have been given Jesus. That I may be a mother that teaches my children who this Jesus is. That I may be a mother who teaches truth and love and not judgement. That my children will not be shielded from the world, but experience it, question God, and be able to own their own relationship with Him. That they may test Him and find he is good, apart from me. That they may bring blessing and life to other people. That they may love. That I may nurture and not smother.That I may be reminded of how miraculous life is, and not take for granted the health of my children. That our family will have moments of melancholy like I have felt lately. That melancholy and hurt will teach us to rejoice and truly understand joy. That we may choose to serve the Lord, and have life.

Thanks for the bear Gramps and Nan.


Monday, October 10, 2011

MoRe PiCtUrEs


Its a dry-erase board to record milestones! haha. Put the date in an upper corner


Cute for a boy



Cute for a girl




I LOOOVE this picture. A blurry picture of me might be for the best at this point. lol


The one on the left is really cute to me

Appointment #4- swish swish swish

     We had another appointment today! Mildly anticlimactic though. I'm not gaining alot of weight right now, but Dr. Ray says that ok, maybe even good. For those who care or know anything about babies, his or her heartbeat is 156 beats per minute. We had our first encounter with a doppler today. Its just this little thing they rub on your belly to hear the heartbeat. No ultrasounds. Thats a total bummer because...well... I miss seeing the little guy. But hearing the heartbeat is still awesome every time! It sounds like a swish swish swish, the best I can describe it. My baby's little swish, just swishing away. Thats the sweetest sound I'll hear till next appointment. Want to know something weird??? Our next appointment (the super exciting one where we find out the gender) is on Halloween. Interesting timing I know!
     No interesting updates, but I guess thats a good thing. I feel a little bit of worry and fear mixed in with all the excitement of every appointment. I've had a few friends, family, and influential women in my life who experienced losing a child, even late in a pregnancy. And if I am honest with myself, I think seeing those losses has terrified me. T.J. says I worry about it too much, but I have this fear that when we go to the doctor, there just might not be a heartbeat or any baby on the screen. Morbid and pessimistic I know. Sometimes I wonder if any other mother feels that way or has the same worries I do, but even if they do, I know its my control issue flaring up again. I've conquered my fears a little bit I suppose, and I have every reason to positive-I'm healthy and young, the baby has done great and is very healthy as far as we can tell-but pesky little negative thoughts still tend to creep in. Its just, this feeling I can't seem to find words to describe.I have never loved anyone like I love this baby. Its world changing. Its overwhelming. It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. It makes me want to do better and be better. This baby makes me want to do anything and everything I can for him or her. Baby Joy makes my life BETTER. In a way I feel more...complete. It reminds me of before I loved T.J., when I thought I was happy and fulfilled, and then I realized I had been missing out on this amazing thing and person I didn't even know really existed. Baby Joy fills a part of me I'm just now realizing I even have, and I can't imagine anything ever happening to him or her. Well, actually, I imagine all too much something bad happening to him or her.
     Sunday morning brother Billy's sermon and my Sunday school lesson all revolved around God's faithfulness. Looking back on my life (even though I haven't been alive all that long), and especially the last year and the length of our marriage, I can see God's faithfulness and provision in our life. Why is it so hard to trust that he will continue to be faithful? Why is it so hard for me to put this child's life in his hands, as if its not already there anyways? Well we all know why. Because I'm a controlling person and mother and I want to be the boss and be in charge and take care of everything and make it ok. But I hope to be a recovering control freak. I have a hope I will get over this chronic issue.
     Last time I went home to visit,  I asked my momma how long it took after she became a momma to think to herself, "Ok, I can handle this. I can do this." She's a pretty smart person, and a wonderful mother, so I was excited to hear her insight into the world of parenting. Do you know what she said??? "I don't think I have yet." AWESOME.

 Is motherhood like being a grown up? You think other people have arrived at it, but once you get there you realize your never really ready for it?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Naked Photography...

     Why is it that when you google image search "pregnancy" or "pregnancy photography," it suddenly becomes this x-rated gallery of naked women barely covering up their secrets. Seriously, it just seems to me it would make for an awkward explanation later of why mommy doesn't have any clothes on in her pictures. Its just weird. What do you do with pictures like that? You can't really hang them up on the mantle where grandma and everyone can see them. Its kind of always been a general rule for me in life to avoid taking naked pictures of myself...haha. It is such a peculiar phenomenon!
     Speaking of secrets...baby Joy's are officially formed! We won't find out for another month or so if we have a "he" or a "she," but I have this book I'm reading that told me today if I could peak into my belly right now, I could tell if we have a boy or a girl growing up in there. And with all that amazing truth being said, I know there are so many exciting surprises STILL awaiting us. I was telling T.J. a while ago how cool it is that this child's life has already been planned out by the Lord before we ever even knew about him or her. I think of Jeremiah 1:5, that says,
  
           "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart...," 


and I'm ready to be let in on the secret too! Its ALWAYS been a him or a her, and now we will soon find out which blessing we're getting. Yaaaay! T.J. thinks its a girl, but I feel like its a boy. If you can feel that kind of thing.
     In other news, I recently discovered pintrest-which means I have now squandered several hours of my life looking at random pictures on a website of virtual pinboards. There are so many cute baby/pregnancy/everything else in life pictures, and I've found some that I love! Since we decided not buy any thing or register until we find out what we're having, I need some way to nest right??





(Noticed how appropriately attired they all are :))

     I really can't explain how excited I am to find out what kind of kiddo we're having. I feel like a little kid waiting for christmas to come. (I also feel like a kid because I have to pee all the time and I get grumpy when I don't get my nap...lol). Now I know I am probably falling into the category of first-time parent in that me and T.J. are trying to make every step very cute and meaningful, but I can't help but indulge all our baby ideas. Next month when we find out the big secret, we're having all our family come up and we're gonna have a party with the cake color being blue or pink...you know...for wow factor and shock value. haha, and aren't these cute?? I laughed out loud when I saw them.

     Get it?? Weird looking baby cupcakes. Awesome.

Thursday, October 6, 2011





What an Adventure we've begun...

A year ago I could barely imagine marriage, and here I sit (well, the two of us) thinking over all the changes that have come into my life so recently. Its amazing! and terrifying. and exciting, and every emotion in between. It seems like the most wonderful experiences in life always tend to be the scariest too. Why on earth is that? Its divine irony I guess.
     On August 6, the day before me and T.J.'s 1 year anniversary, I took a pregnancy test. No big deal! I have taken them before plenty of times, always with the same result. And here I sat on this particularly interesting day at the foot of our bed, when...two pink lines slowly appeared. If I could sum up the top four most impactful and ground-shaking  events in my life, they would be as follows- the day I was accepted Jesus as my Savior, the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord, the day I married the love of my life, and 3 months ago when I peed on a stick. Talk about taking my breath away. It was completely unexpected and completely...life changing. But like I said before also fabulous and amazing and wonderful and super scary. We told our families IMMEDIATELY and told them to keep our wonderful little secret to themselves (which some of you did not do very well and I know you are reading this and you all should feel very bad and buy us expensive baby presents to make up for your wayward ways).
     Something about being pregnant becomes more real when an important looking doctor tells you so. And Dr. Ray, our great OBGYN, did. We got our first pictures of our precious child when he or she was 5 weeks and 6 days a'cookin. To be honest, it really wasn't that interesting to look at. Just a tiny little dot on a grainy black screen. But that was the first time I really felt...like a mother. I heard once that when a person becomes a parent, its like a part of their heart is awakened. I felt that way. It was as if this capacity to love I didn't even knew I could have was suddenly overwhelming me, and our hearts were awakened right there in this sterile little room with nothing more than a dot on a screen. It sounds totally weird and cheesy, but it was like something I've never experienced before.
     Suddenly I had all these questions and concerns and worries about if our baby was OK and what I needed to be doing. I stressed about bad drivers and if what I had been doing before I knew I was pregnant had hurt the baby and if I would crush him or her if I slept on my stomach, haha. The whole world looked different to me, and still does. The more I asked Dr. Ray, the more I heard how little was actually in my control. She told me some people do everything right and they lose their babies. Some women do everything wrong and deliver perfectly healthy babies. So I'm expected to believe I should just hope for the best??? My blood pressure was rising just listening to that! And so, I enlisted the wisdom of my husband's boss's wife Mrs. Susan ( who is a mother of 5 and a very HOT mom-so she knows what shes talking about). She told me that from the moment you discover you are a mother, the rest of your life becomes a lesson in learning to trust God. And to be honest, I am realizing that I thought I had alot more trust in the Lord than maybe I actually do. Its hard for me to let go. I KNOW that if something goes wrong, God is still good and still in control, and I KNOW that if everything is fine God is still good and still in control. But maybe theres a difference between knowing and really truly relying and resting in that truth. Bottom line- I'm learning I am a total control freak. Who knew. I definitely didn't. I  thought I was laid back, calm and reasonable. I'm actually finding out however, I am controlling, and easily stressed, and worrisome. Don't take this the wrong way mom, but you were always the worrier and the nagger and the checker-upper-on-me-24-7. And it was annoying sometimes. But I completely understand it now. Its like this weird force of nature that keep pushing me to think of every issue and worry about every detail. But I resolve to resist this temptation and depend on the Lord, even if I have to remind myself of this every day of the rest of my life.
     Our last appointment we got more pictures, and baby Joy did cute-up a lot from the last time we saw him or her. Still had a huuuge head though. Seeing our baby really look like a baby was stunning. A lot of stuff does actually happen pretty quickly in there! We saw him or her move. I heard his or her heartbeat. OUR baby. Their tiny little heartbeat. All being woven together inside my steadily growing stomach by the very hand of our creator. Its such a miracle. I all but broke down seeing our child with such clarity. Billy Graham said he knows theres a God every time he looks at a new born baby. Well I know theres a God even before I see this baby face to face. Face to screen is convincing enough for me.