Monday, February 27, 2012

I love my husband

     I do. I LOVE him. Absolutely the most I ever have loved anyone. Ever.


My sweet husband on his early 26th birthday party. He claims I choose bad pictures of him sometimes. But hey, its my blog, and you smiled like that on purpose. Still looks good to me.

     I am realizing how completely blessed I am to have such a wonderful husband and baby daddy. He really is one of the greatest people I know. I can just be a total jerk to him all day. Or week. And he's always quick to forgive and make up. He listens to me gab on about stuff he doesn't care about and holds me when I cry about things that are completely unreasonable. He accepts me as the ridiculous person I am, even when pregnancy heightens my ridiculousness. He is gentle and forgiving, and patient. And hot. He thinks I'm pretty even when I don't. He tells me he loves me everyday, all day. He makes late-night McFlurry runs for me even when he's watching what he eats. He is the bug catcher, trash taker outer, lid unscrewer, top shelf reacher... lately his job description has expanded to also include excessive complimenter and encourager (I'm an emotional basket case and need it), foot massager and toenail clipper, personal slave and official hanger of all wall art, therapist, occasional dishwasher, and bathroom janitor. He does it all, looking fine the whole time. Not to mention his actual job, and school. And somehow, after a long day he can look at me, big, mean, and sleepy as I am, and I know he loves me more than anyone else in the whole world. Of all his jobs and responsibilities, he values "husband" at the top of the list. Having him has shown me so much of what the Lord's love for his bride must be like. Unbelievable. Unmerited. Stupid maybe. Absolutely comforting and reinforcing. I know that no matter what, he is going to put me and our daughter and our family as top priority. He is going to love me regardless, and guard our daughter fiercely, and protect and provide for us with every bit of strength he has.


Just a little proof of his hanging abilities. Not to mention the fact he went shopping with me on his day off to get the picture in the first place. I know, he's like the best husband in the world.

And... of course. 33 and a half weeks. Heres our precious little baby girl. His most recent true love.

I'm not ready...

     I seem to be at a crossroads that makes me a bit of a contradiction to myself. Today was registration for preschool at Valley View. TJ and I got up before the Sun, drove to Valley View, and waited in line for 45 minutes OUTSIDE. IN THE COLD. BEFORE THE PRESCHOOL EVEN OPENED. It was like the midnight premiere of breaking dawn all over again. And we filled out the paperwork to register our sweet baby for... preschool and play and stay. I think I died a little inside. Preschool?? Preschool? Already? The idea of someone else, regardless of how capable they are, taking care of my daughter while I do something as frivolous as school? Heartbreaking. I'm not ready.
     On the other hand, as I woke up waaay too early this morning and grouchily got ready, I thought to myself, "This is it. The beginning of no more sleeping in and no more cuddling my husband to wake. No more 10 hour sleep cycles." I'm not ready.
      Geez I'm sleepy and want things to stay just as they are sometimes. And geez I can't wait till things change and Madelyn is here in my arms and looking into my eyes sometimes. And geez I CAN wait till the day I gotta hand my kid off to some other mom to take car of her.
     T.J. says sometimes there is no making me happy. I don't know where he gets foolish ideas like this, but maybe he's right this one time in this one situation. lol. I just don't feel ready for anything. ALL the change is scary and fantastic, and all we will soon be leaving behind is also scary and fantastic. I'm nervous about the delivery, not just me but Madelyn too. I've started worrying about things that could be wrong with her and sicknesses she could get. I'm worried she won't like me or I'll be bad at mothering. I'm worried about starting school in possibly a new program and missing out on her growing up. I'm worried about how T.J. and my relationship will change as we welcome in a new part of our family. I'm worried about whatever semblance of a social life I can manage after Madi takes over all my time and affections. I'm worried about swimsuit season and my old clothes I so desperately miss. I just don't feel ready.

Does anyone ever feel ready going into something like this?

     I had an interview today for MAP, the program I'm trying to get into. Besides my baby heater making me super sweaty when I get a little nervous, I think it went well. I really like one of the professors. She's this Catholic nun who is super sweet and always throws out bits of wisdom in average conversation. Its awesome. Anyways, she started talking about how people don't really understand death correctly. We experience death thousands of times in our lives, according to her. When Madelyn first rolls over, its the death of her time before. When she walks for the first time, its the death of her life before. And we celebrate these milestones because they are good and positive and exciting, but theres also a tinge of sadness to it too, isn't there? Its the death of the life before, the part of life that will never come again and is forever gone. That kind of really exactly explains how I feel. I'm so excited for whats to come, but I feel sad for the death of the old chapter in life too.
     Lifes hard. Ministry is hard. Marriage is hard. PREGNANCY is hard. But its all been good. Great even. I just feel scared about all the new things coming our way. Its intimidating, right?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

It Feels Like Chrismtas

     I. AM. AN. ASSEMBLY. MASTER. In the last few days we have been getting all the magical baby things we ordered online and I have been obsessively putting them together right away! We got our AWESOME Chicco Cortina KeyFit 30 Travel System-probably the best travel system ever invented in the history of the world.


Put it together by myself. Like a champ.

     Our bumper came in too! Which was also promptly installed and then admired...



     I've never been so happy to get things for somebody else before! Just a few more things and we will have a fully furnished and functional little baby ecosystem. Complete with safety measures and other adorable necessities. I am so excited!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Look at this thing


    I feel like I have a beach ball permanently implanted under my skin. And this beach ball likes to take aerobics classes. ALL. DAY. LONG. Pregnancy is like this totally wonderful thing that I love, but that also has a few minor setbacks. Which occasionally feel like big setbacks. Like... I'm not even sure if I have feet anymore. My wedding ring only fits on my pinky finger now, and I am starving all the time for junk food, which makes my tummy hurt and gives me major indigestion. I got up and peed three times last night. Sometimes, I literally feel like my body aged 50 years in 8 months. My sad little back hurts from this hefty load I'm toting around, and my huge heavy belly actually pulls down when I lay down. I have to like lift it up and flip it over to change sides. Woe is me if I drop something. And I am so sweaty I have to have several wardrobe changes some days...and some of my pregnancy clothes are getting too small! Talk about a major depressing moment.

Pregnancy can be so wonderful and feel so terrible at the same time. I pray I will get the privilege to do it again, but today it feels like I'm about ready to get this kid on out! Haha and I bet soon I'll be wishing I could put her back, when she's crying at 2am or I have a big carseat to tote around.

Anyways, I was reflecting on these pregnancy woes, and yes, maybe I just vented a little bit. Mood swings are a part of pregnancy, right? But before TJ and I got married, we made ourselves promise we would try to remember each moment and enjoy it when we had it. Getting ready, holding my daddy's arm, seeing him for the first time, our first real kiss... and I want to do that with Madi too. So, to be thorough and honest, I am remembering and enjoying this moment when I am very uncomfortable and large. And only a little bit longer to wait until I see my sweet daughter, and my feet again.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Why Hello Braxton Hicks

Today is 8 months on the dot! 2 months left! tops.

And yesterday I felt my first BH contraction! 2 more today, and suddenly I'm in a frenzy to prepare everything in case I have a baby all of the sudden.

Coming home outfit?? My grandma crocheted the hat and booties herself...


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines Day

     Well I had an excellent Valentine's Day. My sweet husband stayed up late last night with me and put together a fantastic baby swing, and we woke up early this morning and ate breakfast together. He made the most delicious bowl of cereal I have ever had! I was surprised with red roses and so many adorrrable presents!

a hand-written card
Babywise, this book I REALLLLY wanted!
a certificate for a backrub from the TJ Joy
and, he's going to get my blog printed and bound for Madelyn after she's born. Since I'm a compulsive recorder, I'm especially happy about that.

     All in all, it was the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. Not only because I loved the gifts, but because I loved the heart in which TJ gave them to me. Last night, I was banned to the bedroom as TJ danced around excitingly getting everything ready for this morning. When we woke up this morning, he made me get out of bed and walk out of our room first. As I opened everything, his eyes lit up watching how excited I was. And then, he served me. We never eat breakfast together, so it was so special!

     Its was one of those times when you can't stop smiling even when your alone. When just the idea of how much thought someone else put into making you feel special gets you giddy inside. I went to Walmart today to get essentials for MY surprise to him, and it was a crazy madhouse. It seemed like everyone in the whole store was in the same three isles! People were rushing around picking up flowers and candies and balloons! And it just made me smile to myself even more. Granted, there seems to be this looming sense of certain punishment if someone forgets or doesn't deliver on Valentines. Its a bit of a  performance isn't it? An expected, demanded, show of affection. But it didn't feel like that to me at all today. I know my sweet husband blessed me because he wanted to bless me-not out of requirement or expectation. And he did it in a way that was thoughtful to me, and also to our precious little baby girl. He loves both of his ladies :).
     And after lunch, he kissed me in the parking lot and told me I was his girl. I love being his girl. Madelyn has no idea how much she is going to love being his girl. And at the Awakening tonight, we sang to the Lord, "I am yours." On Valentine's Day, I'm glad to be his girl too.



     

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Enterprise Baby Shower

Whew.
     What a day. It Started with a wonderful shower, followed by a LOnggg drive and the huge WinterJam concert :).

     Mrs. Pam McQueen made her home so beautiful for us! She always makes everything beautiful, but today was just... especially beautiful.







     We had an absolutely wonderful time! A cute little brunch, and  good conversation, and then we all opened presents. And man did we get some cute presents. Madelyn is going to have sooo many adorable outfits, its ridiculous. 
     Theres also just something great about going back to the place you grew up. "Where you come from." I loved seeing my family and friends that I haven't got a chance to see in a pretty good while. Overall, it was a really great trip.  I felt so special.


My family



The Hostesses!



My Sister


My sweet Momma

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Tammy and stretchmarks

     I met a lady named Tammy two days ago. I was sitting in my church's parking lot all alone, minding my own business, when she walked up to my car and knocked on my window. She said her car had broken down and she needed a ride to the gas station down the road.  I was hesitant, because I watch alot of forensic files and I'm 7 months pregnant, but she was nice so I let her in my car and drove her down to the Shell. She told me this really terrible story of recent events that had happened in her life, and asked for "another favor." She said she needed money for clothes, threw around phrases like "I'm a christian," "its only money," and "if it were me I'd help you out...". And I felt sad for her and her hardships, so I talked to her for a little while, gave her some money, and sent her on her way. As I drove off I called my husband to tell him what had just happened, and he proceeded to tell me I had been lied to. Now I'm not sure if thats true or not, but the more I thought about it the more I really felt swindled! I drove down 69 and did not see Tammy's alleged car that broke down. In fact, she didn't even come from that direction when she walked up to my car! I may not ever see Tammy again, but as I kept thinking about what she did, I started steaming about it. I know its very "unholy" of me (shocking I know), but I planned out the good talking to I'd be giving my friend Tammy if I ever had the pleasure to meet her again. I don't know if I've ever had someone lie so blatantly to my face in order to meet their own self-serving desires! She used the name of my God to try to pressure me into giving her a ride and money, and took advantage of my good intentions and generosity. Once I figured it out (or had it pointed out to me, rather)-I was ticked. For lack of a better word.
     I thought about this for quite a while. What a dirty rotten terrible excuse for a person. How low and how dishonest. And then I went to church tonight. We are just getting ready for this big event Sunday through Wednesday called "The Awakening." Its going to be great and I know the Lord is going to move, and tonight was completely focused on prayer and getting our hearts and priorities right. And I realized something. How often do I act like Tammy toward God? I only come to him, knock on his window, and ask him for things because I want something. I don't really care about the relationship or what he has to say to me. I only want what serves me best at the moment. I only want to trick him into giving me what I want. I don't really want to change, I just want to be accepted and assisted when I need it. I swindle God. I pull a Tammy.
     This brings me to my next thought. Brother Billy asked us to think of idols we put before God, things we may sometimes deem more important or valuable than a relationship with the Lord. The things that make us a Tammy-a dirty rotten excuse for a "christ-follower." The extremely human and carnal parts of our lives that separate us from the power of God in our lives. If I can be honest and transparent for a moment, I know what mine is. Its pride. TJ had like 7 different very specific things (he's smarter than I am) but I only could only think up one. Pride. And when my pride is thwarted it bothers me deeply. If I am disrespected and my pride is injured, I feel myself bowing up in defense of...my self. If I feel less than in any way, I am deeply wounded. For most of my easy, middle class life, I have been successful. I have had this small quiet voice in my head whisper, "You are smart. You are beautiful. You are capable and good, and likeable. You are better than some people. You make good decisions. YOU ARE special, and golden." Absolute vanity I know. But through the world's eyes, someone might say that of my life. At least maybe they used to. And I loved it. Needless to say my pride grew pretty big and strong. But then I left for college, and nobody knew how "big of a deal" I was. People didn't look at me the same. I got married, and suddenly my peers didn't know how to react to me. I moved alot and didn't join many groups or clubs, so nobody knew me. I got pregnant with this wonderful child, and the gap between me and my peers grew deeper. My pride took quite a beating. Now the voice whispering how wonderful I am quieted, and a meaner less pleasing voice started to speak. "Your not better than anyone else. You aren't golden. Your not the smartest or most capable. Your not quite as good as you thought you were." And I'm realizing now that was maybe a way of God helping to deflate this huge pride of mine. But I am resilient, and my pride definitely still exists. Lately I've been struggling with another voice, not of God, saying things like "This beauty of yours, is over with. You are permanently and irrevocably marked, and you will never be beautiful again." Harsh I know, but there have been nights I've gone to bed having to beg the Lord for the eyes he sees me with. Because I look at my big old self sometimes, and only see stretch marks and ill-fitting clothes, or chubby cheeks and swollenness. It hurts my pride, because I feel less attractive and more mommish. I can feel the focus shifting off myself and onto my precious little daughter. And it hurts my...pride. It has been so easy to focus my entire life around, well, myself. I lift myself up and glorify what I can do, what I am, what I can accomplish and make happen, WHO I AM. If things don't go as Malyssa would like them to, I am heartbroken. And maybe just maybe I should be less concerned about me and my looks and my feelings and accomplishments, and more concerned with the Lord's feelings and his plans. I should be heartbroken when things don't go as the Lord would like them to. My heart should be his heart, and his goals should be mine. My pride should be transformed into humility and service to Him, and others. Even to jerks like Tammy I guess. This week at The Awakening, I want God to transform people's hearts and draw them to Himself. But I also really want Him to transform MY heart and draw ME to Himself.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Adorable TJ and Malyssa

 So I'm having a baby shower in my hometown this weekend (which I am VERY excited about!) and one of the women hosting the shower asked me to send her some baby pictures of me and TJ. So tonight I began my quest to find those old photographs. I took a few from TJ's parents a while ago because I just think my husband is so adorable and I want to see every picture ever taken of him, but I had a harder time finding pictures of myself. I guess when I grew up and left my parent's house, I forgot to get my baby pictures :). But I still found a few, and they are pretty cuuuuute. Please, feel free to explode when you see these....



TJ, the day he was born. ABSOLUTELY beautiful, and blonde


I don't know how old TJ was in these last two pictures, but I especially love the white suspenders. Normally not a suspender type of girl, but in this case they work for me.


I'm 5 weeks old here. Look at my little booties! I think the biggest difference in TJ and I as babies is our hair colors, and the fact that mine seemed to grow vertically

   
Me at 8 months. Fat and happy. And a "cutie pie"

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Grandparents

Whew. I have officially (at least for now) finished writing all of our thankyou notes! And it was QUITE a task, even with the six TJ wrote to lighten the load =).

     We went over to Brother Billy and Mrs. Mary Jacque's house yesterday, and got to talking about having little babies. Go figure. And Brother Billy just said the sweetest things about having a child. He almost started with a disclaimer, and said women were just made with a special part in their heart to have babies and know how to love them, and men don't have the same capacity to really understand like a momma does. He told T.J. that once we experience the birth of our daughter, he will never look at me the same way. "Theres just something about seeing your own flesh and blood, and holding her in your hands, knowing this woman's body just created her." Now maybe I'm paraphrasing his words a bit, but thats about exactly right if I do say so myself. My loud, audacious father-in-law was so gentle and sincere when he spoke those words to us and looked at his own wife, the mother of his very own three boys. It was enough to tear me up a bit. But as I thought about it, the more sense his words made. Not as if I am bragging about this baby I'm "making," because I know its the Lord giving her life inside my body, but the fact that this child is our flesh and blood. It reminds me of Genesis 2, when God says the man and his wife will become one. Now I'm not a bible scholar, and maybe it means one family, or something else entirely, but our perfect little daughter is just that. A small little miracle that mixes me and TJ to become one. One precious little beautiful girl, entirely individual and one of a kind, and OURS.
     Its tremendous to just think about the raw unconditional love we have for our daughter. I want only the best, only good things, for her all the days of her life. She's my baby after all! And I can only imagine what is must feel like to see your baby having a baby of their own... to be a grandparent. As I sat in my pregnant rocker at my shower Sunday, my own grandmother sat on my left and Madelyn's grandmother sat to my right. I just now realize it, but there we all were, 4 generations of women- a mother, and grandmother, and a great-grandmother. I can't imagine what it feels like to have your own child, or child's child, having their own. The JOY they must feel! (No pun intended, lol) I mean, they must know so much more than T.J. and I do. They've had the babies already, seen them grow, grown in love themselves, understood the pains, and they know. THEY JUST KNOW. Honestly, I have no idea what on earth is coming and how to deal with it or what to expect. But they have tasted the beauty and blessing of children and now their own flesh and blood is multiplied. Again (And if I have anything to do with it grandparents, there will be many more babies coming). Its really kindof a cool thought. And TJ and I are so blessed as a family to have great parents and great grandparents, all that are sweet and loving, and genuinely good-hearted people. Madelyn doesn't even have a clue of the blessings she is going to receive through the love of her grandparents.