Dear Madelyn,
I have never been more enamored with anyone in my life before. I find I can't stop looking at you sometimes! My latest obsession is with your eyelashes. Your cute little baby eyelashes. So small and so perfect and so pretty. I've memorized every part of you. You have detached earlobes like your daddy. Your skin matches mine exactly. You have the same color hair that I had when I was a baby. T.J. swears your blue grey eyes are turning green, but I don't think so. I hope they stay blue like your grandpas'. Sometimes things are so hard- learning to live with all the new challenges of parenthood is....hard. But I wish that I could capture all these moments and save them forever. I want to just spend forever in the moments when I hold you and you gaze into my eyes. You are the most perfect thing I've ever had in my life. The most perfect, pure, and sweet thing I've ever been blessed with. I want to learn who you are and what you like. And make you happy and bring that big gummy smile to your face. I want to take care of you for the rest of my life and see you learn to walk and take you to the park and Beiber concerts. I wish I could protect you from all the bad things in this world, and keep you innocent and light-hearted. I wish I could take all the terrible things that are going to happen to you in this life and stop them. I want to kiss away any sad feelings and heal up all your hurts. I know thats unrealistic, but... I just want to give you the world. The whole wide world, and every good and perfect thing. You hold my entire heart.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
laugh or start crying
I'm about at that point. I feel like I am going to either be light-hearted and work through it like a rational adult, or cry. Mostly I cry like an overwhelmed irrational adult. I actually have been crying alot lately. Blame it on the lingering pregnancy hormones. I thought I was doing ok the first week and half or so, and then the romantic euphoria of our newborn child kindof began wearing off and now I just feel...tired. Maybe exhausted is a more accurate word. I've been running on a few two hour naps a day. NAPS. just naps. for two and a half weeks. And, yet, I have not died. Although there are times I thought I would.
There have been so many fantastic veteran mothers that have offered great advice and help. It feels really great to know that I am not alone in the way I've been feeling. As a new momma, I've been riddled with guilt and anxiety. I can barely sleep at night, even though I'm more tired than I have ever been. I worry she's still breathing when she sleeps silently. I worry about letting her sleep too long and not feeding her enough. I went to Target yesterday all by myself for the first time- I have issues leaving her. But when I got in my car, turned on my music, and started driving, I felt like a normal person again. All by myself, just like old times. It was wonderful. And I felt guilty for that. I feel so worn out, and sometimes all I want is a break. I think I can't see how wonderful she is, and how wonderful these times are, because of how tired I am. And I feel guilty for that. I still dread feeding times sometimes. Because they're hard. And I feel guilty for that. I always thought I'm a very laid back person, and I'm not going to stress about things. Everyone said no matter what, you will stress over the first baby. Well, I think stress is an understatement.
Maybe we are on the up and up. Things seem much easier sometimes. Sometimes. "Sense of normalcy" is still an evasive goal. I want to think we're starting to get the hang of things! But I'm not entirely sure that ever happens as a parent. lol. I look forward to having mom friends and play dates and learning how to handle this little adventure and completely new life. I think I'm going to laugh and cry alot more though...
There have been so many fantastic veteran mothers that have offered great advice and help. It feels really great to know that I am not alone in the way I've been feeling. As a new momma, I've been riddled with guilt and anxiety. I can barely sleep at night, even though I'm more tired than I have ever been. I worry she's still breathing when she sleeps silently. I worry about letting her sleep too long and not feeding her enough. I went to Target yesterday all by myself for the first time- I have issues leaving her. But when I got in my car, turned on my music, and started driving, I felt like a normal person again. All by myself, just like old times. It was wonderful. And I felt guilty for that. I feel so worn out, and sometimes all I want is a break. I think I can't see how wonderful she is, and how wonderful these times are, because of how tired I am. And I feel guilty for that. I still dread feeding times sometimes. Because they're hard. And I feel guilty for that. I always thought I'm a very laid back person, and I'm not going to stress about things. Everyone said no matter what, you will stress over the first baby. Well, I think stress is an understatement.
Maybe we are on the up and up. Things seem much easier sometimes. Sometimes. "Sense of normalcy" is still an evasive goal. I want to think we're starting to get the hang of things! But I'm not entirely sure that ever happens as a parent. lol. I look forward to having mom friends and play dates and learning how to handle this little adventure and completely new life. I think I'm going to laugh and cry alot more though...
18 days old
Thursday, April 19, 2012
15 days old
The scarf is a little bit bigger on Madelyn... :)
I have a confession. I am nervous around Madi. They say you should talk to your baby because they like the sound of your voice. But I don't know what to say to her! Its like being on a date with someone you really like and want to impress, and you just can't think of anything funny or witty to say. I know that sounds dumb, but I can't find any words that seem good enough to steal her heart like she has stolen mine. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones still wearing off, or the bulging love that makes my chest want to explode, but I held her today and just cried. I couldn't think of any words to say. So I just cried. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so happy. Because she is so beautiful. Because her mannerisms already make me want to record every second of her life. Because she is so adorable and I absolutely LOVE her and she is perfect. And it makes me nervous. lol. Because how could anybody ever be even close to as wonderful as she is.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
thoughts on babies...
As a disclaimer, there may be content involved in this post that boys don't want to read about. Like breastfeeding and blood and guts and stuff.
Two tuesdays ago, I was feeling especially pregnant and sickly, so my sweet husband cancelled his bible study and resorted to watching Smallville with me instead. And you know what happened around 5:30? My water broke.
Its funny how you never know the way you will react to something until it happens. For me, once my water broke, I felt...giddy. Like Christmas was coming early-and in a way, it was, because we were going in the next morning to be induced. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing, and neither T.J. or myself could remember what we were supposed to do next. I was gross from chilling all day, so I actually hopped in the shower. T.J. assumed to normal anxious husband role, and began rushing around trying to get everything ready and talking really fast. I wasn't even in any pain. We caught every red light on the way to the hospital, and then I was casually rolled up to the 3rd floor. It was all terribly anti-climactic; not a thing like it is in the movies. As soon as we got to labor and delivery, I got a very pretty gown to put on, and a big ole IV in my arm. They took some blood, and right away I was aloud to get an epidural. Dr. Ray said, "You can wait to get one if you want, but why hurt if you don't have to?" Couldn't argue with that, so we went ahead and got one. Luckily, epidurals go in your back so you don't have to look at the enormous needles they are putting into your body. They put one in, and did a test run to see if it was in the right place. It wasn't. I almost passed out. Besides seeing Madelyn for the first time, thats the only time I cried. But man, when they got that epidural in the right place, it was NICE. I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt high as a kite. It was way nice. I didn't feel any of my active labor pains, and when it came time to push, it felt like...I just really had to poop. lol. Toward the end, it was pretty painful, but still, nothing like the movies. I never once yelled at T.J. or cussed at anybody. I prayed alot, haha. T.J. was an angel- holding my hand, and feeding me ice chips, and telling me how good I was doing. Like my own personal cheering section. And 7 hours after we checked in, at 1:16 a.m., we saw our daughter for the first time. We heard her for the first time. And we both cried. She was just the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even covered in blood and guts, and screaming her head off, she was beautiful. And perfect. T.J. cut the cord, and they weighed and measured her, and handed her to her daddy to be the first one to hold her. I wanted him to be her first kiss. I can't explain the way it feels to see your child's face for the first time, or hear their voice for the first time. Its the most amazing experience to carry a person around for 9 months, and finally get to meet them. Its a love thats completely new to me. I make her all these huge promises without the blink of an eye, and I absolutely mean them. Its not even hard to make them. Like... I will do anything for you. I will always try to protect you. I am absolutely in love with you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... We are unconditionally, irrevocably bonded together for the rest of our lives. She is mine, and I am hers. Forever. I love her with a love that makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Now, back to having babies. The worse part is 5 hours after you have the baby, when the epidural runs out, and your body still had a huge 8 pound baby explode out of it. That must be why women get 6 weeks off when they have a kid. Because recovery is slow, and kindof hurts alot, and you can only get like 3 hours of sleep at a time because you have an infant to take care of. Birthing a child is like the only traumatic body damage a person endures, and then is immediately expected to also endure sleep deprivation alongside the hardest thing a person can ever do-breastfeed. Who knew that would be so hard? But its SO hard. All I had was colostrum because my milk had not come in yet, and Madelyn had lost 6% of her body weight. At 7% they make you supplement, which was a dirty word to me. I kept trying to feed her, but its a learning experience for both of us-and apparently neither one of us were very good at it. I was exhausted and I felt like I was a failure as a mother already! I felt like I was starving my baby, and I should have had more to give her. I experienced my first post-partum breakdown at about 2 a.m. one morning when a nurse told me about that "s" word. But don't worry. She survived, and so did I.
Lessons I learned from delivering my first baby:
1. Don't forget your shampoo, because they won't give you any.
2. Sleep whenever you get the chance.
3. Order alot of food, because its all free
4. Let your husband sleep at night so he can entertain guests while you sleep. Whenever you can.
5. A few stitches and pain for a short amount of time is nothing compared to what you get out of it.
6. Definitely, definitely, take the stool softener
7.Take tons of pictures, because while it seems like you won't survive to the two week mark, every day you'll look back and realize how much your baby has grown. And how you'll never get that time back.
Lessons I learned from my two weeks of parenthood:
1. Babies eat often. "Sleep when they sleep." And make sure you eat too. I forgot to sometimes, and it makes things doubly exhausting.
2. Drink about 15 gallons of water a day
3. Make good friends with the lactation consultants, because they will be your savior during breastfeeding dilemmas.
4. Babies can be little jerks and cry like they are hungry, and then fall asleep as soon as they start feeding. And then wake up and start crying again. And then poop and throw up all over you. And for the first couple days, you WILL see the sun rise.
5. Madelyn is not nearly as breakable as I thought she would be
6. Burp your baby well, or she might projectile vomit.
7. Umbilical cord stumps are gross
8. Make time to hang out with your husband, because he is one of the best things that has ever happened to you.
9. Even though you hold your baby all the time to feed her and change her, hold her just to hold her. Hold her close to you and kiss her face and try to remember how it feels
Two tuesdays ago, I was feeling especially pregnant and sickly, so my sweet husband cancelled his bible study and resorted to watching Smallville with me instead. And you know what happened around 5:30? My water broke.
Its funny how you never know the way you will react to something until it happens. For me, once my water broke, I felt...giddy. Like Christmas was coming early-and in a way, it was, because we were going in the next morning to be induced. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing, and neither T.J. or myself could remember what we were supposed to do next. I was gross from chilling all day, so I actually hopped in the shower. T.J. assumed to normal anxious husband role, and began rushing around trying to get everything ready and talking really fast. I wasn't even in any pain. We caught every red light on the way to the hospital, and then I was casually rolled up to the 3rd floor. It was all terribly anti-climactic; not a thing like it is in the movies. As soon as we got to labor and delivery, I got a very pretty gown to put on, and a big ole IV in my arm. They took some blood, and right away I was aloud to get an epidural. Dr. Ray said, "You can wait to get one if you want, but why hurt if you don't have to?" Couldn't argue with that, so we went ahead and got one. Luckily, epidurals go in your back so you don't have to look at the enormous needles they are putting into your body. They put one in, and did a test run to see if it was in the right place. It wasn't. I almost passed out. Besides seeing Madelyn for the first time, thats the only time I cried. But man, when they got that epidural in the right place, it was NICE. I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt high as a kite. It was way nice. I didn't feel any of my active labor pains, and when it came time to push, it felt like...I just really had to poop. lol. Toward the end, it was pretty painful, but still, nothing like the movies. I never once yelled at T.J. or cussed at anybody. I prayed alot, haha. T.J. was an angel- holding my hand, and feeding me ice chips, and telling me how good I was doing. Like my own personal cheering section. And 7 hours after we checked in, at 1:16 a.m., we saw our daughter for the first time. We heard her for the first time. And we both cried. She was just the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even covered in blood and guts, and screaming her head off, she was beautiful. And perfect. T.J. cut the cord, and they weighed and measured her, and handed her to her daddy to be the first one to hold her. I wanted him to be her first kiss. I can't explain the way it feels to see your child's face for the first time, or hear their voice for the first time. Its the most amazing experience to carry a person around for 9 months, and finally get to meet them. Its a love thats completely new to me. I make her all these huge promises without the blink of an eye, and I absolutely mean them. Its not even hard to make them. Like... I will do anything for you. I will always try to protect you. I am absolutely in love with you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... We are unconditionally, irrevocably bonded together for the rest of our lives. She is mine, and I am hers. Forever. I love her with a love that makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Now, back to having babies. The worse part is 5 hours after you have the baby, when the epidural runs out, and your body still had a huge 8 pound baby explode out of it. That must be why women get 6 weeks off when they have a kid. Because recovery is slow, and kindof hurts alot, and you can only get like 3 hours of sleep at a time because you have an infant to take care of. Birthing a child is like the only traumatic body damage a person endures, and then is immediately expected to also endure sleep deprivation alongside the hardest thing a person can ever do-breastfeed. Who knew that would be so hard? But its SO hard. All I had was colostrum because my milk had not come in yet, and Madelyn had lost 6% of her body weight. At 7% they make you supplement, which was a dirty word to me. I kept trying to feed her, but its a learning experience for both of us-and apparently neither one of us were very good at it. I was exhausted and I felt like I was a failure as a mother already! I felt like I was starving my baby, and I should have had more to give her. I experienced my first post-partum breakdown at about 2 a.m. one morning when a nurse told me about that "s" word. But don't worry. She survived, and so did I.
Lessons I learned from delivering my first baby:
1. Don't forget your shampoo, because they won't give you any.
2. Sleep whenever you get the chance.
3. Order alot of food, because its all free
4. Let your husband sleep at night so he can entertain guests while you sleep. Whenever you can.
5. A few stitches and pain for a short amount of time is nothing compared to what you get out of it.
6. Definitely, definitely, take the stool softener
7.Take tons of pictures, because while it seems like you won't survive to the two week mark, every day you'll look back and realize how much your baby has grown. And how you'll never get that time back.
Lessons I learned from my two weeks of parenthood:
1. Babies eat often. "Sleep when they sleep." And make sure you eat too. I forgot to sometimes, and it makes things doubly exhausting.
2. Drink about 15 gallons of water a day
3. Make good friends with the lactation consultants, because they will be your savior during breastfeeding dilemmas.
4. Babies can be little jerks and cry like they are hungry, and then fall asleep as soon as they start feeding. And then wake up and start crying again. And then poop and throw up all over you. And for the first couple days, you WILL see the sun rise.
5. Madelyn is not nearly as breakable as I thought she would be
6. Burp your baby well, or she might projectile vomit.
7. Umbilical cord stumps are gross
8. Make time to hang out with your husband, because he is one of the best things that has ever happened to you.
9. Even though you hold your baby all the time to feed her and change her, hold her just to hold her. Hold her close to you and kiss her face and try to remember how it feels
Sunday, April 15, 2012
11 days old!
Daddy, aka "PaPa" came up to visit today too. She looks so tiny in his arms! Its a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and we might just try to have a lunch date today.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
10 days olddd
My momma and my sister and niece came to visit us today! 10 days old, getting better at eating AND sleeping. Life is getting a little easier as we try to get into a routine and sleep pattern. If newborn babies can get into routines. lol.
Friday, April 13, 2012
My baby grows too fast
We have the most beautiful girl in the entire world. I could probably look at her all day, because I am amazed at how just...pretty she is. Sometimes I hold her really close to me and just think, 'Don't forget this. Don't forget this ever.' Already she's 9 days old. It all really does go by so fast when you take a step back. I always want to remember. The way her hair feels, and how soft her cheeks feel against mine. The way her tiny hands grasp mine and how her beautiful blue grey eyes look up at me. The way she clings to me. Her cute little baby lips. I love everything about her. Poop and snot and spit up are suddenly not as disgusting as I thought they were when they come from one of the people I cherish most. I never want to forget these times, but sometimes they seem like they are already flying by...
Wednesday, her birth day
Thursday, day 1
Friday, day 2. When we left the hospital
Saturday day 3
Sunday, Day 4. Easter
Monday, day 5
Wednesday, day 7
Thursday, day 8
Friday, day 9
Mothers just know
Mothers just know. What a load.
Maybe my powers as a mother just have not kicked in yet, but I do not...just know.
How will I know if she's sick?? Response-you'll just know. Mothers just know.
How will I know what she wants?? Response- You'll learn her cries. Each one is different. you'll just know.
T.J.-You guys have already bonded so much. She loves her mother...
I love my daughter with a love stronger than I even knew was possible. I want only good things for her and I want to take the best care of her I can and always try to protect her. But I have no idea what she wants. At 3 am when she begins to cry, I fearfully peer over the edge of her pack-play, and I do not know. I don't know what she wants. When I feed her for an hour and a half and she falls asleep for 3 minutes, only to erupt in tears again, I have no idea what she wants.
What do babies want???
Why can't they just come out of the womb speaking English and just tell us
What a learning experience we have been going through with this beautiful baby girl. I feel closer to my husband than I ever have before. Closer to tears, closer to lashing out-closer to alot of things. And throughout all these new struggles, just to look on her precious little face makes me contented.
Still, I wish the mom super power wasn't knowing- but the ability to no longer require sleep. That seems like it would be more helpful.
(8 days old)
Monday, April 9, 2012
What a week...
We had Madelyn on Wednesday! She beat the induction, and only took 7 hours from beginning to end.
April 4, 2012
1:16 a.m.
8 pounds, 1 ounce
20 inches
As of right now, I have too much sleeping to catch up on to really put together intelligent thoughts, but let me at least try. I love my daughter so much. I think I can't ever love her more and then two minutes later I do. Holding her in my arms finally is the most amazing feeling. She opened up a new kind of love in my heart I didn't know I could have. Even despite all the sleepless nights, having to feed her basically on the hour, and recovering from a massively traumatic physical experience, its been the most rewarding time of my life. I see my husband hold her and take care of her, and kiss all over her, and it makes my love for him go to a completely different level. He has been amazing about taking care of me, and giving me rest when he can, and bringing me whatever I ask for, lol. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, thats for sure. Learning how to adjust to our new family is a blessing. A hard blessing, one that makes me tired and cranky and cry alot, but nothing else in this world has ever been sweeter. Motherhood is an amazing gift that I am so thankful for- a whole new life of worries and concerns, and struggles. My heart has already been completely stolen away from me. I would do anything for her- give up anything, go anywhere, take any measure. She is my absolute love. I think God gives us parenthood so we can have a chance to understand how his heart feels about us. Even if this is just a small reflection of His love for me, its amazing. Its life changing.
Heres a picture of Madelyn on her first Easter-I have to throw in a picture, because, well, she is the most beautiful person in the entire world.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Madelyns 0th birthday
Today has probably been the most special day in our Sunday School class's life- at least as long as I've been a part of it. Yesterday was tryouts for danceline, majorette and color guard for our girls-and I'm so proud of them! They all did a great job! And this week, I'm having a baby on Thursday and Emily is getting married on Friday! Busy busy busy to say the least. Well, I walk into Sunday School this morning, and right behind me is Emily and David with a birthday cake! For Madi! Complete with princess plates and napkins, and a birthday badge. The candle was a big zero-which I think is so hilarious and very clever. It was all just very thoughtful and sweet and special. Madelyn's first birthday party-err, well, pre birth day party. Absolutely marvelous.
Madelyn and her birth day cake...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)