Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Starting.


I cannot believe this little baby is now a big baby. And she goes to daycare.

(her first day yesterday)

(Her adorable outfit today)

     Something interesting I've learned about the first day of daycare is that most all mothers become absolute emotional wrecks. My heart started beating really fast and my throat got really tight. And no exaggeration, from the time we got out of our car until we left the building we probably saw 2 or 3 HYSTERICAL mothers. I don't really blame them, because I had already had my fair share of tears over this traumatic event. Its not really the fact she's going. Or the handing off. Its the leaving that tears me apart. The idea of some other woman, however nice and capable she may be, taking care of my daughter. Seeing her do things for the first time, and getting all her smiles throughout the day. It burns me up.
     My thoughtful and sensitive husband took me to breakfast yesterday to try and comfort my freshly broken heart. It helped, but nothing changes the sharpness of being separated from your child.

What a perfect segway to adoption talk.... :)

     I've never been bungee jumping, but I imagine the feeling I've been experiencing is similar. Just jumping off the edge and hoping everything goes ok. lol. T.J. and I have been working hard on our application for Lifeline (which is very extensive by the way) and putting it in the mail today or tomorrow. It feels like all our hopes and plans and future are sitting in a tiny little envelope- the sum of our son all written out and neatly mailed off. Its weird. Its like we're walking right up to the edge and looking over, just about to make the leap. And honestly I have no idea how its all going to work out! I know this is part of the relying on God part, but man, easier said that done. The fleshly side of myself wishes I could already see how it is going to work out.
     I talked to my friend Jessica Bridges the other day about Jack Jack. She's been a wife longer than me and already has 4 children, so needless to say she is full of wisdom and knows alot of things I could not even begin to understand. Its refreshing to have conversation with people who are so grounded in their relationship with the Lord, and who are obviously smarter than you, so I MEGA unloaded on her. Ever since the Uganda adoption didn't work out, I felt like I had failed somehow. Like I didn't really know what God wanted and that I was just doing what I wanted and making it up as I went along. Surely God doesn't set you up to have the rug pulled out from under you, does he? Maybe I was misunderstanding His will or worse... maybe I wasn't being "called" to adopt at all. Maybe I just wanted to aside from Him. Maybe it wasn't the right timing. So, as I started mentioning all this words I probably don't even really understand like "timing" and "calling" and "God's will," Jess just sat there and listened. And then she said something so simple and profound it kind of knocked me back for a moment. She said she thinks people use words like "timing," and "calling" as excuses not to do things sometimes. Ultimately, we have to look at what the Bible says. It says "care for widow and orphans in their affliction" (James 1:27). SO, if your willing to do it, God has already called us to care for them. Would God really choose not to bless us if we seek after a child he has already burdened our hearts for, and spoken from His word to protect and care for?
Um. Duh. I think he would bless us.
     If theres one thing I have learned from parenting its that daddies love their children. No wonder his heart is for the broken and abandoned. No wonder he forgives us and loves us. Surely he will bless efforts toward bringing a child into a family. His heart is for adoption. He adopted me. And save the grace of God, we are all orphans, longing for relationship and love.

     I'm not discrediting these churchy words, or even claiming to understand God's timing or will or call. The older I get the more I realize how little I know. The one thing I do know is I believe the Bible, and I believe in Jesus. And I know that my life has been changed because of what Jesus has done for me, and I know this longing of my heart for someone I have never met must be from Him. I don't see from here how its going to work out in the end, but I believe it to be true and I believe that God will bless our efforts and bring our family together. One day soon  the "sharpness of being separated from your child" will shrink from across the world to across town.



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