2 month checkup

     So I learned some new things today, in this order: Madelyn does not like large shots in her thigh, I cry when she gets large shots in her thigh, and listening to Adele makes us both feel better.

     I can't believe my sweet little baby is already 2 months old. And huge. Growing up makes me real sad. She got 4 big ole shots,  and one vaccine drink thing. She's officially experienced both infant tylenol and D-Vi-Sol. While I am thankful for and do not underestimate modern medicine, I'm still sad. It feels a little bit like she's lost some part of that pure innocence she had when she was born. No medicines or problems or illnesses-just perfect and undefiled and completely new. Oh, growing up is hard. Her growing up is hard. Well, on me.  Madi is just changing so fast, and I'm having trouble keeping up. I have... growth whiplash.

 I think I discovered why other moms don't warn you about the secret atrocities of parenthood. Its because its impossible to understand how it could be worth it from "the other side." Who wants to hear your clothes STILL won't fit, that you will never get to sleep as long as you want again, and that learning to breastfeed is more painful than having both your arms cut off (at least for me). And yet, its been the pleasure of my life. I love it and I love HER literally more than I love my own life. I love her needs and her future more than my own. If you don't believe me, take a look at my facebook. Its blown up all day with pictures of her. I looked through my pictures the other day, and there is an obvious division. Before she was born, its a picture of Malyssa and T.J. at the concert... a picture of Malyssa in Sunday School, a picture of Malyssa with her mom.... and now, Madelyn...Madelyn...Madelyn...maybe someone else, and Madelyn...
      My heart and my thoughts and my house are consumed with this precious little gift. My love. To the point that a few measly shots inflicted on SOMEONE ELSE will make me tear up and crumble. This whole parenting thing has permanently destroyed my life as I previously knew it. But the replacement life has been awesome! Its a sharp learning curve though.

sweet love

     I make an effort every day to obtain some form of normalcy. Lately thats been found in the form of brushing my teeth and making the bed. If I can brush my teeth before lunch time, I'm having a good day. If I can make the bed before bedtime again, its been a success. Who knew household chores and basic hygiene would one day make me feel productive. lol. But its been baby steps!!
      Madelyn likes to stay awake until about 2am every morning, which really interferes with my sleeping, can occasionally make me grumpy, and makes her cute little self much less cute. Life in general is just not as cute at 2 in the morning. I discovered a magical trick that makes her sleepy though. I laid down the other day in our bed and held her really close to my chest. For the longest time, I've felt like she was pretty indifferent to me and TJ-but can you blame her, shes a brand new baby that doesn't know what the heck is going on around her. But this particular day, I laid down with her and she cuddled up so close to me. She'd been a total gremlin all day long, but when we laid down she snuggled up and quit her headsplitting cries...and all was forgiven. I was absolutely in love. Its tiny little moments like that that I gain more understanding for God's love for me. I was about to explode from all the trouble she was being that day. She's a clueless little baby that doesn't know whats good for her. I know (most...or some of the time...) what she needs. I want nothing more than to take care of her. And she can be completely distressing to me all day, and the moment she decides to cling to me and let me take care of her, its all ok. I want to embrace her and protect her and all her  difficulty is forgiven. In fact, my heart leaps at the thought that she seeks comfort in me.
     It gives me a new perspective of how God sees me. Sometimes I have an issue with feeling like God won't want to hang out with me, or he's mad at me, because of my failures. But the way I feel when my daughter longs for me changes everything. If this is just a reflection of how the Lord feels when I want to cling to Him, then everything feels completely different. Of course I still want Madelyn to grow, and learn and not stay making the same annoyances, but I completely accept her just the way she is. I know God doesn't want me to stay as I am, but I feel like I understand the acceptance he has of His children much better. Not only am I relieved when she wants to be close and finds comfort, but my heart is blessed.

Mother's Day came early!

     My husband is a fantastic man and a wonderful father. But he is terrible at keeping secrets and resisting gift giving. Its a flaw I'm rather fond of. He made this Mother's day SO special for me. And it hasn't even happened yet! Today when he came home from work, he cleverly taped a "note from Madelyn" on our bathroom door with instructions to ask daddy what she got for me. He pulled out a little gold box. Now, I know what the little gold box means- it means some kind of great jewelry. TJ is always bringing me fantastic gold boxes. He got his father's overindulgent jewelry giving bone (another one of TJ's fantastic attributes). I unwrapped Madi's gift and sitting inside that adorable little gold box...were a pair of diamond earrings. They are beautiful! I could hardly believe Madelyn could think of such an amazing gift :). And whats even better than the most beautiful pair of earrings in the world, is the thought behind it. Diamonds just so happen to be Madelyn's birth stone. And one day when she's older, I'll get to pass them down to her. What a thoughtful daddy.

4 weeks old

"Rules is there ain't no rules."

Prophetic wisdom spoken in Grease.

     I've read or at least flipped through pretty near all the books. I've gone to most of the classes. I have the lactation consultant and well baby nursery on speed dial. So imagine how perturbed I was when I discovered that I still had no idea what to do with this baby.

     The last four weeks have been wonderful. And terrible challenging. My nerves and my hair are continually frazzled on this learning curve. It seems like every book and mother have a different philosophy on when to feed and when to let them cry or how often they are supposed to poop. And the unfortunate conclusion I've come to is... every baby and every momma are differrent. DANG. I wish there was some book that had all the right answers and that my baby was a textbook example of everything. I wish she ate at the same times and slept at the same times and pooped at appropriate intervals throughout the day. But... she doesn't. There are countless rules and suggestions and tricks that are all DIFFERENT and all separate from my child and my experience. DANG AGAIN.

     I've mellowed a little bit, but I still feel anxious and guilty and worry alot. I still check on Madelyn when she's sleeping and randomly poke her to make sure she's still alive. I still have moments when I have no idea what she wants or how to take care of her. I called my momma yesterday, and she gave me some of the best and most calming advice I've gotten in a long time. She said, "Just don't worry about anything else but doing what Madelyn wants and getting to know her. The new things she does today and the things she's learning now, are going to be gone tomorrow." Its kindof refreshing in a mildly depressing way, haha. I think I've been so concerned with achieving some semblance of a "schedule" and successful feeding times, and self-soothing tactics, that I have completely missed the fact that my daughter is not a robot and she is also only 4 weeks old. Alot of things have changed for her!! She doesn't know the difference betweeen "parent-directed feeding" and "demand  feedings," or when she is supposed to do what or how many times. She doesn't have charts and apps marked out like I do. She's just a baby.

     In the middle of the night when Madelyn wakes up hungry and is especially upset, I always sing to her and make promises like "Momma is always going to take care of you." Lately, I've added the clause "...as best as she can..." All I can do is the best I can, right? Maybe I'm not the perfect mom, or always in sinc with what she wants, but I sure am trying my hardest. And today, I'm stepping back and just enjoying her. Leave the life crisis for another day, and all the problems of the world for another day, and today I'm just going to chill with my darling daughter and enjoying the mystery of parenthood.

...After all, she's only going to be like this for a little while. And it really does go by too fast...

Dear Madelyn...

Dear Madelyn,

     I have never been more enamored with anyone in my life before. I find I can't stop looking at you sometimes! My latest obsession is with your eyelashes. Your cute little baby eyelashes. So small and so perfect and so pretty. I've memorized every part of you. You have detached earlobes like your daddy. Your skin matches mine exactly. You have the same color hair that I had when I was a baby. T.J. swears your blue grey eyes are turning green, but I don't think so. I hope they stay blue like your grandpas'. Sometimes things are so hard- learning to live with all the new challenges of parenthood is....hard. But I wish that I could capture all these moments and save them forever. I want to just spend forever in the moments when I hold you and you gaze into my eyes. You are the most perfect thing I've ever had in my life. The most perfect, pure, and sweet thing I've ever been blessed with. I want to learn who you are and what you like. And make you happy and bring that big gummy smile to your face. I want to take care of you for the rest of my life and see you learn to walk and take you to the park and Beiber concerts. I wish I could protect you from all the bad things in this world, and keep you innocent and light-hearted. I wish I could take all the terrible things that are going to happen to you in this life and stop them. I want to kiss away any sad feelings and heal up all your hurts. I know thats unrealistic, but... I just want to give you the world. The whole wide world, and every good and perfect thing. You hold my entire heart.

laugh or start crying

     I'm about at that point. I feel like I am going to either be light-hearted and work through it like a rational adult, or cry. Mostly I cry like an overwhelmed irrational adult. I actually have been crying alot lately. Blame it on the lingering pregnancy hormones. I thought I was doing ok the first week and half or so, and then the romantic euphoria of our newborn child kindof began wearing off and now I just feel...tired. Maybe exhausted is a more accurate word. I've been running on a few two hour naps a day. NAPS. just naps. for two and a half weeks. And, yet, I have not died. Although there are times I thought I would.
     There have been so many fantastic veteran mothers that have offered great advice and help. It feels really great to know that I am not alone in the way I've been feeling. As a new momma, I've been riddled with guilt and anxiety. I can barely sleep at night, even though I'm more tired than I have ever been. I worry she's still breathing when she sleeps silently. I worry about letting her sleep too long and not feeding her enough. I went to Target yesterday all by myself for the first time- I have issues leaving her. But when I got in my car, turned on my music, and started driving, I felt like a normal person again. All by myself, just like old times. It was wonderful. And I felt guilty for that. I feel so worn out, and sometimes all I want is a break. I think I can't see how wonderful she is, and how wonderful these times are, because of how tired I am. And I feel guilty for that. I still dread feeding times sometimes. Because they're hard. And I feel guilty for that.  I always thought I'm a very laid back person, and I'm not going to stress about things. Everyone said no matter what, you will stress over the first baby. Well, I think stress is an understatement.
     Maybe we are on the up and up. Things seem much easier sometimes. Sometimes. "Sense of normalcy" is still an evasive goal. I want to think we're starting to get the hang of things! But I'm not entirely sure that ever happens as a parent. lol. I look forward to having mom friends and play dates and learning how to handle this little adventure and completely new life. I think I'm going to laugh and cry alot more though...

18 days old

15 days old

 

The scarf is a little bit bigger on Madelyn... :)

     I have a confession. I am nervous around Madi. They say you should talk to your baby because they like the sound of your voice. But I don't know what to say to her! Its like being on a date with someone you really like and want to impress, and you just can't think of anything funny or witty to say. I know that sounds dumb, but I can't find any words that seem good enough to steal her heart like she has stolen mine. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones still wearing off, or the bulging love that makes my chest want to explode, but I held her today and just cried. I couldn't think of any words to say. So I just cried. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so happy. Because she is so beautiful. Because her mannerisms already make me want to record every second of her life. Because she is so adorable and I absolutely LOVE her and she is perfect. And it makes me nervous. lol. Because how could anybody ever be even close to as wonderful as she is.