Starting.

I cannot believe this little baby is now a big baby. And she goes to daycare.

(her first day yesterday)

(Her adorable outfit today)

     Something interesting I've learned about the first day of daycare is that most all mothers become absolute emotional wrecks. My heart started beating really fast and my throat got really tight. And no exaggeration, from the time we got out of our car until we left the building we probably saw 2 or 3 HYSTERICAL mothers. I don't really blame them, because I had already had my fair share of tears over this traumatic event. Its not really the fact she's going. Or the handing off. Its the leaving that tears me apart. The idea of some other woman, however nice and capable she may be, taking care of my daughter. Seeing her do things for the first time, and getting all her smiles throughout the day. It burns me up.

     My thoughtful and sensitive husband took me to breakfast yesterday to try and comfort my freshly broken heart. It helped, but nothing changes the sharpness of being separated from your child.

What a perfect segway to adoption talk.... :)

     I've never been bungee jumping, but I imagine the feeling I've been experiencing is similar. Just jumping off the edge and hoping everything goes ok. lol. T.J. and I have been working hard on our application for Lifeline (which is very extensive by the way) and putting it in the mail today or tomorrow. It feels like all our hopes and plans and future are sitting in a tiny little envelope- the sum of our son all written out and neatly mailed off. Its weird. Its like we're walking right up to the edge and looking over, just about to make the leap. And honestly I have no idea how its all going to work out! I know this is part of the relying on God part, but man, easier said that done. The fleshly side of myself wishes I could already see how it is going to work out.

     I talked to my friend Jessica Bridges the other day about Jack Jack. She's been a wife longer than me and already has 4 children, so needless to say she is full of wisdom and knows alot of things I could not even begin to understand. Its refreshing to have conversation with people who are so grounded in their relationship with the Lord, and who are obviously smarter than you, so I MEGA unloaded on her. Ever since the Uganda adoption didn't work out, I felt like I had failed somehow. Like I didn't really know what God wanted and that I was just doing what I wanted and making it up as I went along. Surely God doesn't set you up to have the rug pulled out from under you, does he? Maybe I was misunderstanding His will or worse... maybe I wasn't being "called" to adopt at all. Maybe I just wanted to aside from Him. Maybe it wasn't the right timing. So, as I started mentioning all this words I probably don't even really understand like "timing" and "calling" and "God's will," Jess just sat there and listened. And then she said something so simple and profound it kind of knocked me back for a moment. She said she thinks people use words like "timing," and "calling" as excuses not to do things sometimes. Ultimately, we have to look at what the Bible says. It says "care for widow and orphans in their affliction" (James 1:27). SO, if your willing to do it, God has already called us to care for them. Would God really choose not to bless us if we seek after a child he has already burdened our hearts for, and spoken from His word to protect and care for?

Um. Duh. I think he would bless us.

     If theres one thing I have learned from parenting its that daddies love their children. No wonder his heart is for the broken and abandoned. No wonder he forgives us and loves us. Surely he will bless efforts toward bringing a child into a family. His heart is for adoption. He adopted me. And save the grace of God, we are all orphans, longing for relationship and love.

     I'm not discrediting these churchy words, or even claiming to understand God's timing or will or call. The older I get the more I realize how little I know. The one thing I do know is I believe the Bible, and I believe in Jesus. And I know that my life has been changed because of what Jesus has done for me, and I know this longing of my heart for someone I have never met must be from Him. I don't see from here how its going to work out in the end, but I believe it to be true and I believe that God will bless our efforts and bring our family together. One day soon  the "sharpness of being separated from your child" will shrink from across the world to across town.

If you want to help with our fundraising efforts, check out our fundraising website!

Jack Jack

     Yesterday was a flurry. We had our Sunday fourth of July service, followed by spaghetti and an excellent nap, then followed by intense efforts at writing and editing and website creation. We wrote out our fundraising letter (which I will not be discussing because it is ADORABLE and I want it to be a surprise :) ), and starting off was really challenging for some reason. Me and T.J. sat on our bed with jus the words "dear friends and family" before us for a good 20 minutes. I was genuinely surprised at how hard it was to write out this letter. I guess its challenging to verbalize all the huge and complex feelings and reasonings we have in a very small concise letter. Its not like a blog where I can just ramble on and on about whatever I feel like. lol. But after a little (well, a lot) of discussion and effort, we finally got rolling and made our little masterpiece. Its totally cute and trendy and technologically current. T.J. found this cool website that allows free fundraising, so basically the website doesn't receive any profit from the fundraising-it all goes to the "recipient." I think thats pretty nice of them. We just made it yesterday and posted it to facebook on our wall and in my "about" section. My momma was the first to donate, and she signed it "Nana."My heart swelled just at that thought-he's got a sweet Nana. I know the goal of a fundraising website is to ...well raise funds... but for some reason I was unexpectedly shocked! I checked my email and squealed so loudly T.J. said I scared him. It feels like more than a friend or family member just giving us money. It feels like one of the most deeply touching gifts I've ever been given. Its like they are giving us parenthood again. I know of course, it is God and God alone who is actually giving our son and us to one another, but the blessing I receive from these people's generosity is humbling. One person left us an "anonymous" donation, which is so sweet and I know they did that because they don't want any recognition. But I wish I could just go up and hug their neck and tell them how deeply thankful I am. I feel my thankyou card itch coming back again, but it hardly seems appropriate to write a card to someone who is changing our lives. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even making any sense as I write this, but I wish I could take my heart out of my chest and give it to them so they could understand the way I'm feeling. How blessed I feel. How thankful. How honored and humbled and blessed. I said blessed twice because thats how much I feel it.
     So anyways, my mushy gushy feelings aside, we are a few tiny baby steps closer to the day we meet my Jack Jack. We have a few forms to fill out and a couple of payments to get in line and a LOT of waiting to do, but we've actually begun it. I can feel my soul sigh as I think of all the time we are spending apart. When I put Madelyn down for her nap (praise God) this afternoon, I stopped and admired her for a moment. As it often does, my mind wandered to Jack and what he is doing this moment. Obviously, theres no way to know. No way to even know if he exists yet. But he might- he could be anywhere from a newborn to 3 years old. As a momma, I started to think about his care and worry for him. Is he getting changed often enough or getting proper nutrition or enough vitamin D? Is he being kept clean and fed? Are there people who are loving and taking care of him while we are apart? Then my mind wanders to more personal thoughts. Does he know that his MOTHER loves him? Does he know that I love him more than I can stand and that I would do anything and go anywhere to bring him home? Does he know that I literally ache for him, and worry for him, and imagine room decorations for him because I want to take care of him for the rest of my life. I want to be the one to kiss his boo boos and his forehead goodnight. I want to hold him close when he is scared and tell him about Jesus and play with him as long as he wants. I know I'm not perfect and I'll mess up but the God-given love I have for him is absolutely perfect. Does he know all these things? And of course the answer is no. How could he. This is the thought that brings me to tears nearly every time. No. He doesn't know I love him. Yet.
     My last blog was about how awkward fundraising seems to me and how unqualified I feel to attempt it at all. I asked My dad-in-law how to raise money, and he said "just ask." Haha, to be honest I felt a little dumb after he said that, as if it were so simple. I also felt majorly encouraged after he made my mountain back into a molehill, because when Daddys' aren't worried about something it makes you feel like you shouldn't be worried either. There is a link at the bottom of this blog to our fundraising website if you would like to donate toward our adoption expenses. Also there is a link to Lifeline Adoption Services if you want to check out the agency we are going through, and a link to T.J.'s blog if you want to read about his experiences through this adoption.

....and also a picture of Madelyn today, just because she is looking especially beautiful. :)




http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?fundraiser_id=4922&url=thejoyfamilyadoption

http://lifelinechild.org/adoption/international/ethiopia/

http://tjjoy.wordpress.com

looking like a baby model

First Steps

     Wow. I don't know what it is about first steps, but they make things seem really real, don't they? Earlier this week we began emailing and speaking on the phone with social workers from Lifeline Adoption Agency. Somehow getting into the details of how this adoption is going to go makes my heart start beating really fast. Like...its really happening. We're really doing it. Turning this dream into the beginnings of a reality feels amazing. And it feels hard too, if I'm being honest. Theres so much to do and so many mountains to climb that it seems a little bit overwhelming at times.
     We started looking into the financial logistics, and this is probably the area that feels the hardest for me. The adoption will end up costing roughly $27,000 ( I think- things are always subject to change I suppose). Of course there are grants and tax returns, but the tax returns we won't see for a while, and we can't even apply for grants until after we have a home study, which is almost $8,000 into the process. And then there is fundraising. We are going to definitely do some fundraising somehow, but its  awkward isn't it? Asking people for money outright or trying to sell them things they don't really want and feel pressured to buy...Totally awkward. For me at least! And most of the ideas I've heard about and read about sound unappetizing to me. I'm not really into selling cookie dough or magnets- because I wouldn't really want to buy any of those myself. lol. I don't have any "skills" to do anything or make anything as some sites and people suggest. So here I am, skill-less, awkward salesman Malyssa. Hopelessly uncomfortable and ill-equipped. T.J. and I are more than happy to hear any suggestions for fundraising if you have any experience or good ideas! Lord knows I will need them.

Uganda...

    Sometimes I wish I could just KNOW God's plan for

 my life. The sudden turns and surprises keep things

interesting, but they can sure be painful sometimes.

     When I was a freshman in college I saw a video called "invisible children." It was a documentary about children in Uganda during the civil war. To be honest, I was utterly crushed-much to my own surprise. I called my then boyfriend TJ, and cried to him about the poor children that had no homes and no one to love them. I still remember telling him I wished I could go over there and bring them all home. Of course that was a vey impossible thing to do, and as time passed I hoped maybe the idea could fade and I would be as I was before. But that night was a turning point for me I think. My eyes were opened, maybe for the first time, to the reality of need apart from the "world" I lived in. And more importantly and personally, I ached for those children. I wanted someone to love those children. I could do that I thought...
     Me and Teej have always talked about adoption. Its one of those things I've almost always kindof wanted to do, for no particularly spiritual reason at first. Its never really been a question of from where, or what age or color or gender. In the beginning, it was simply because I thought kids need parents and I could be that one day. A child is a child, right? As time has passed however, its become much more than a good thing I thought I'd want to do. Its a calling from God on our life. Just like our child is incomplete without a family, we are incomplete without them. He has knit our hearts together already.
     Well, that night my freshman year was the first time I sat down and considered seriously how that might come to actually happen one day-little did I know that two short years later I would be married, have a daughter, and be living in a different city as a pastors wife! Things change quick. Between that night and now, TJ and I have talked about adopting and from where often. Unusually, I've heard alot about Uganda and read books about it and seen choirs from it, and EVERYTHING. Uganda seems to be quite a popular part of Africa lately. It didn't really matter to me though, because my love for these people and my child were neither encouraged or deferred by this new found popularity. I thought that it was God's plan that we were going to adopt  from there. I don't know... Maybe I got my own heart set on something that wasn't in the plan at all, and I just wanted it to be. A few months ago TJ came home with a packet from the LifeLine Adoption agency, and guess what I immediately searched out and found?? Ugandan adoption. Luckily we fit the age and marriage requirements, and I had my heart set on it. I felt confident and sure and I knewww the Lord was going to bring us to our son in Uganda. We decided to wait until after Madelyn was born to get the process started because, well, having a baby is hectic, so we wanted to conquer one challenge at a time.
     Now that Madi is 2 and a half months old, my heart began itching for Jack Jack again. So I pulled up the website the other night, and noticed something new. There has been some changes in Uganda with legislation that changes...everything. According to the LifeLine representative, Uganda is one of the most prideful nations, and they don't particularly want their children to be adopted out of their culture. So unless a family moves to Uganda and lives there for 3 years, it is impossible to adopt.

There is a "legal guardianship," but that requires a "heritage trip" back to Uganda every 5 years until the child is 18 and we wouldn't be considered his parents.

As I read these words, my heart slowly crumbled.

How then was I supposed to go get my son? 

...legal guardian?...not his parents?... I can't explain the way it felt for me to fully grasp the weight of what happened. All my daydreams, all my imagined scenarios of meeting him and whisking him away into our life all evaporated away for me. My son. It felt like someone had taken the most valuable part of myself away. TJ took it better than me and of course I immediately began to cry. I held back the tears I could, but trust me there was much more crying to come.

     To be honest, I felt extremely confused. I thought this was the plan? I thought this should all have worked out. And when it didn't , I couldn't understand. I still don't know if I understand. It seemed so good and perfect. I wanted it. I wanted my son. And now Uganda is out of the picture? Crushing is not a strong enough word to describe it.

     After finding this out, the world paused for me. What seemed so certain and decided was completely gone. It was like starting all over. We started researching other nations, and the stipulations seemed to count us out of most places. We aren't old enough or haven't been married long enough to be "appropriate" to parent most of these countries' orphaned and abandoned children. Ironic right? 

     Me and TJ had a couple of heart to hearts, and seem to have ironed out a few of the ugly,wrinkly questions I have. To me, it felt like we already have a son, and he is in Uganda, and if we don't go and get him, then we are losing our child. I think this is where my dumb self has stumbled. I've been doing a little bit of soul-searching, and I think maybe my sights and dreams were set on something I fabricated myself. As I think about the Lord and his guidance in my life, I know alot of things I thought up for myself were bypassed for the true goodness of HIS plan. But I wanted this, dangit. His heart loves adoption even more perfectly than mine, and I trust that if we are faithful and obedient, He will provide us with the right child at the right time. From the right place, wherever that is. But I still wanted this. Letting go is hard for me. Letting go of control and trusting someone else to dream up and accomplish  this huge thing is hard for me. Even if it is the Lord doing the dreaming and accomplishing.

     All this being said, we are meeting with a social worker from LifeLine in about two weeks. Ethiopia is where we are planning to look into. But I'm keeping my mind open and my heart sensitive to what God wants and not what Malyssa wants. Even though I feel like I know whats best, maybe I really don't. Who am I to contest with the Lord of the universe about things so dear to his heart- like his children.

2 month checkup

     So I learned some new things today, in this order: Madelyn does not like large shots in her thigh, I cry when she gets large shots in her thigh, and listening to Adele makes us both feel better.

     I can't believe my sweet little baby is already 2 months old. And huge. Growing up makes me real sad. She got 4 big ole shots,  and one vaccine drink thing. She's officially experienced both infant tylenol and D-Vi-Sol. While I am thankful for and do not underestimate modern medicine, I'm still sad. It feels a little bit like she's lost some part of that pure innocence she had when she was born. No medicines or problems or illnesses-just perfect and undefiled and completely new. Oh, growing up is hard. Her growing up is hard. Well, on me.  Madi is just changing so fast, and I'm having trouble keeping up. I have... growth whiplash.

 I think I discovered why other moms don't warn you about the secret atrocities of parenthood. Its because its impossible to understand how it could be worth it from "the other side." Who wants to hear your clothes STILL won't fit, that you will never get to sleep as long as you want again, and that learning to breastfeed is more painful than having both your arms cut off (at least for me). And yet, its been the pleasure of my life. I love it and I love HER literally more than I love my own life. I love her needs and her future more than my own. If you don't believe me, take a look at my facebook. Its blown up all day with pictures of her. I looked through my pictures the other day, and there is an obvious division. Before she was born, its a picture of Malyssa and T.J. at the concert... a picture of Malyssa in Sunday School, a picture of Malyssa with her mom.... and now, Madelyn...Madelyn...Madelyn...maybe someone else, and Madelyn...
      My heart and my thoughts and my house are consumed with this precious little gift. My love. To the point that a few measly shots inflicted on SOMEONE ELSE will make me tear up and crumble. This whole parenting thing has permanently destroyed my life as I previously knew it. But the replacement life has been awesome! Its a sharp learning curve though.

sweet love

     I make an effort every day to obtain some form of normalcy. Lately thats been found in the form of brushing my teeth and making the bed. If I can brush my teeth before lunch time, I'm having a good day. If I can make the bed before bedtime again, its been a success. Who knew household chores and basic hygiene would one day make me feel productive. lol. But its been baby steps!!
      Madelyn likes to stay awake until about 2am every morning, which really interferes with my sleeping, can occasionally make me grumpy, and makes her cute little self much less cute. Life in general is just not as cute at 2 in the morning. I discovered a magical trick that makes her sleepy though. I laid down the other day in our bed and held her really close to my chest. For the longest time, I've felt like she was pretty indifferent to me and TJ-but can you blame her, shes a brand new baby that doesn't know what the heck is going on around her. But this particular day, I laid down with her and she cuddled up so close to me. She'd been a total gremlin all day long, but when we laid down she snuggled up and quit her headsplitting cries...and all was forgiven. I was absolutely in love. Its tiny little moments like that that I gain more understanding for God's love for me. I was about to explode from all the trouble she was being that day. She's a clueless little baby that doesn't know whats good for her. I know (most...or some of the time...) what she needs. I want nothing more than to take care of her. And she can be completely distressing to me all day, and the moment she decides to cling to me and let me take care of her, its all ok. I want to embrace her and protect her and all her  difficulty is forgiven. In fact, my heart leaps at the thought that she seeks comfort in me.
     It gives me a new perspective of how God sees me. Sometimes I have an issue with feeling like God won't want to hang out with me, or he's mad at me, because of my failures. But the way I feel when my daughter longs for me changes everything. If this is just a reflection of how the Lord feels when I want to cling to Him, then everything feels completely different. Of course I still want Madelyn to grow, and learn and not stay making the same annoyances, but I completely accept her just the way she is. I know God doesn't want me to stay as I am, but I feel like I understand the acceptance he has of His children much better. Not only am I relieved when she wants to be close and finds comfort, but my heart is blessed.

Mother's Day came early!

     My husband is a fantastic man and a wonderful father. But he is terrible at keeping secrets and resisting gift giving. Its a flaw I'm rather fond of. He made this Mother's day SO special for me. And it hasn't even happened yet! Today when he came home from work, he cleverly taped a "note from Madelyn" on our bathroom door with instructions to ask daddy what she got for me. He pulled out a little gold box. Now, I know what the little gold box means- it means some kind of great jewelry. TJ is always bringing me fantastic gold boxes. He got his father's overindulgent jewelry giving bone (another one of TJ's fantastic attributes). I unwrapped Madi's gift and sitting inside that adorable little gold box...were a pair of diamond earrings. They are beautiful! I could hardly believe Madelyn could think of such an amazing gift :). And whats even better than the most beautiful pair of earrings in the world, is the thought behind it. Diamonds just so happen to be Madelyn's birth stone. And one day when she's older, I'll get to pass them down to her. What a thoughtful daddy.