First Steps

     Wow. I don't know what it is about first steps, but they make things seem really real, don't they? Earlier this week we began emailing and speaking on the phone with social workers from Lifeline Adoption Agency. Somehow getting into the details of how this adoption is going to go makes my heart start beating really fast. Like...its really happening. We're really doing it. Turning this dream into the beginnings of a reality feels amazing. And it feels hard too, if I'm being honest. Theres so much to do and so many mountains to climb that it seems a little bit overwhelming at times.
     We started looking into the financial logistics, and this is probably the area that feels the hardest for me. The adoption will end up costing roughly $27,000 ( I think- things are always subject to change I suppose). Of course there are grants and tax returns, but the tax returns we won't see for a while, and we can't even apply for grants until after we have a home study, which is almost $8,000 into the process. And then there is fundraising. We are going to definitely do some fundraising somehow, but its  awkward isn't it? Asking people for money outright or trying to sell them things they don't really want and feel pressured to buy...Totally awkward. For me at least! And most of the ideas I've heard about and read about sound unappetizing to me. I'm not really into selling cookie dough or magnets- because I wouldn't really want to buy any of those myself. lol. I don't have any "skills" to do anything or make anything as some sites and people suggest. So here I am, skill-less, awkward salesman Malyssa. Hopelessly uncomfortable and ill-equipped. T.J. and I are more than happy to hear any suggestions for fundraising if you have any experience or good ideas! Lord knows I will need them.

Uganda...

    Sometimes I wish I could just KNOW God's plan for

 my life. The sudden turns and surprises keep things

interesting, but they can sure be painful sometimes.

     When I was a freshman in college I saw a video called "invisible children." It was a documentary about children in Uganda during the civil war. To be honest, I was utterly crushed-much to my own surprise. I called my then boyfriend TJ, and cried to him about the poor children that had no homes and no one to love them. I still remember telling him I wished I could go over there and bring them all home. Of course that was a vey impossible thing to do, and as time passed I hoped maybe the idea could fade and I would be as I was before. But that night was a turning point for me I think. My eyes were opened, maybe for the first time, to the reality of need apart from the "world" I lived in. And more importantly and personally, I ached for those children. I wanted someone to love those children. I could do that I thought...
     Me and Teej have always talked about adoption. Its one of those things I've almost always kindof wanted to do, for no particularly spiritual reason at first. Its never really been a question of from where, or what age or color or gender. In the beginning, it was simply because I thought kids need parents and I could be that one day. A child is a child, right? As time has passed however, its become much more than a good thing I thought I'd want to do. Its a calling from God on our life. Just like our child is incomplete without a family, we are incomplete without them. He has knit our hearts together already.
     Well, that night my freshman year was the first time I sat down and considered seriously how that might come to actually happen one day-little did I know that two short years later I would be married, have a daughter, and be living in a different city as a pastors wife! Things change quick. Between that night and now, TJ and I have talked about adopting and from where often. Unusually, I've heard alot about Uganda and read books about it and seen choirs from it, and EVERYTHING. Uganda seems to be quite a popular part of Africa lately. It didn't really matter to me though, because my love for these people and my child were neither encouraged or deferred by this new found popularity. I thought that it was God's plan that we were going to adopt  from there. I don't know... Maybe I got my own heart set on something that wasn't in the plan at all, and I just wanted it to be. A few months ago TJ came home with a packet from the LifeLine Adoption agency, and guess what I immediately searched out and found?? Ugandan adoption. Luckily we fit the age and marriage requirements, and I had my heart set on it. I felt confident and sure and I knewww the Lord was going to bring us to our son in Uganda. We decided to wait until after Madelyn was born to get the process started because, well, having a baby is hectic, so we wanted to conquer one challenge at a time.
     Now that Madi is 2 and a half months old, my heart began itching for Jack Jack again. So I pulled up the website the other night, and noticed something new. There has been some changes in Uganda with legislation that changes...everything. According to the LifeLine representative, Uganda is one of the most prideful nations, and they don't particularly want their children to be adopted out of their culture. So unless a family moves to Uganda and lives there for 3 years, it is impossible to adopt.

There is a "legal guardianship," but that requires a "heritage trip" back to Uganda every 5 years until the child is 18 and we wouldn't be considered his parents.

As I read these words, my heart slowly crumbled.

How then was I supposed to go get my son? 

...legal guardian?...not his parents?... I can't explain the way it felt for me to fully grasp the weight of what happened. All my daydreams, all my imagined scenarios of meeting him and whisking him away into our life all evaporated away for me. My son. It felt like someone had taken the most valuable part of myself away. TJ took it better than me and of course I immediately began to cry. I held back the tears I could, but trust me there was much more crying to come.

     To be honest, I felt extremely confused. I thought this was the plan? I thought this should all have worked out. And when it didn't , I couldn't understand. I still don't know if I understand. It seemed so good and perfect. I wanted it. I wanted my son. And now Uganda is out of the picture? Crushing is not a strong enough word to describe it.

     After finding this out, the world paused for me. What seemed so certain and decided was completely gone. It was like starting all over. We started researching other nations, and the stipulations seemed to count us out of most places. We aren't old enough or haven't been married long enough to be "appropriate" to parent most of these countries' orphaned and abandoned children. Ironic right? 

     Me and TJ had a couple of heart to hearts, and seem to have ironed out a few of the ugly,wrinkly questions I have. To me, it felt like we already have a son, and he is in Uganda, and if we don't go and get him, then we are losing our child. I think this is where my dumb self has stumbled. I've been doing a little bit of soul-searching, and I think maybe my sights and dreams were set on something I fabricated myself. As I think about the Lord and his guidance in my life, I know alot of things I thought up for myself were bypassed for the true goodness of HIS plan. But I wanted this, dangit. His heart loves adoption even more perfectly than mine, and I trust that if we are faithful and obedient, He will provide us with the right child at the right time. From the right place, wherever that is. But I still wanted this. Letting go is hard for me. Letting go of control and trusting someone else to dream up and accomplish  this huge thing is hard for me. Even if it is the Lord doing the dreaming and accomplishing.

     All this being said, we are meeting with a social worker from LifeLine in about two weeks. Ethiopia is where we are planning to look into. But I'm keeping my mind open and my heart sensitive to what God wants and not what Malyssa wants. Even though I feel like I know whats best, maybe I really don't. Who am I to contest with the Lord of the universe about things so dear to his heart- like his children.

2 month checkup

     So I learned some new things today, in this order: Madelyn does not like large shots in her thigh, I cry when she gets large shots in her thigh, and listening to Adele makes us both feel better.

     I can't believe my sweet little baby is already 2 months old. And huge. Growing up makes me real sad. She got 4 big ole shots,  and one vaccine drink thing. She's officially experienced both infant tylenol and D-Vi-Sol. While I am thankful for and do not underestimate modern medicine, I'm still sad. It feels a little bit like she's lost some part of that pure innocence she had when she was born. No medicines or problems or illnesses-just perfect and undefiled and completely new. Oh, growing up is hard. Her growing up is hard. Well, on me.  Madi is just changing so fast, and I'm having trouble keeping up. I have... growth whiplash.

 I think I discovered why other moms don't warn you about the secret atrocities of parenthood. Its because its impossible to understand how it could be worth it from "the other side." Who wants to hear your clothes STILL won't fit, that you will never get to sleep as long as you want again, and that learning to breastfeed is more painful than having both your arms cut off (at least for me). And yet, its been the pleasure of my life. I love it and I love HER literally more than I love my own life. I love her needs and her future more than my own. If you don't believe me, take a look at my facebook. Its blown up all day with pictures of her. I looked through my pictures the other day, and there is an obvious division. Before she was born, its a picture of Malyssa and T.J. at the concert... a picture of Malyssa in Sunday School, a picture of Malyssa with her mom.... and now, Madelyn...Madelyn...Madelyn...maybe someone else, and Madelyn...
      My heart and my thoughts and my house are consumed with this precious little gift. My love. To the point that a few measly shots inflicted on SOMEONE ELSE will make me tear up and crumble. This whole parenting thing has permanently destroyed my life as I previously knew it. But the replacement life has been awesome! Its a sharp learning curve though.