Enterprise Yard Sale

     Our first yard sale was a success! My grandmother, great aunt and uncle, daddy, sister, aunt and cousin all helped out and really made it an awesome fundraiser! We tried to make it all donation based, but a few things were priced. My sweet cousin made a lemonade stand and sold cups of lemonade for $0.25. My family took care of making signs for the yard sale, putting up tents, setting out tables, and ran the yard sale all Friday until 3! It was honestly a huge blessing, because I know they all did so much work to make sure our yards sale was great. My sweet daddy took everything out of the loft above our garage (which is a ton of stuff, btw) and sifted through all the stuff. He delivered tables that had been bought and helped organize everything.  He even stayed all day to help. My whole family stayed out all day! If there’s one thing I’ve learned, its that… yard saling is hard. So for everyone to work so hard to help us really meant a lot.

I have a few of my favorite stories from today that I want to share.

     First of all, my cousin is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people I have ever met. She donated her old bicycle to our yard sale, and came out early this morning to set up a lemonade stand. And it was so serious. She and my aunt had one of those fancy lemonade containers that is tall and clear, and has cute little spout. They made a fancy sign. She brought her own fancy cash register that made a “cha chinggg” sound when she opened it. It was all really fancy. And she sat there faithfully most of the morning asking people if they would like a cup of lemonade. This morning I sat down at her lemonade table and grabbed her shoulder. I told her that I really appreciated all of the things she was doing and it was so thoughtful and sweet. I almost teared up, because, she just said “your welcome!” and went on about her lemonade business. I felt a similar way several weeks ago when a friend’s daughter had a lemonade stand also to raise money for jack jack. Children seem to have this innate desire to be helpful and do right. Of course, not every second of the day, but overall they do. It didn’t even seem like a big deal to her. She’s just helping out her cousin because she loves her. It’s such sweet and pure perspective. She didn’t want anything. She wasn’t getting anything out of it. She was just doing it. And that $15.75 is some of the best money we’ve earned so far. I wish I took that attitude more often.

     There was another little girl that came up to T.J., and he later told me her story. She said her and her mother came by and looked earlier (I’m assuming she heard our shpeal about raising money for the adoption). She looked at T.J. and in her shy little voice said, “We looked around and there were a lot of things we liked, but we just wanted to give a donation…” and then she dropped a handful of coins into his palm. He came inside to tell me the sweet story, and I kept the money separate because I wanted to count it by itself. It was exactly two dollars in change. But it so blessed my heart because I knew she put herself in the frame of mind to sacrifice. Offering up her money without taking or expecting anything was amazing. It completely energized and encouraged me.

     Seeing other people’s generous hearts has taught me something about my own. I saw God’s heart in those actions and their selflessness, and it makes me realize there are many times in my life that I don’t show those same things. Kids will teach you a lot.

     We also had a couple of family friends that came up and just made a donation.  One friend literally drove to our house way early on a Saturday morning just to give us a wad of 20-dollar bills. She got out of her car, walked up to T.J. and chatted for a bit, gave him her donation and drove off. How awesome is that??!

     So, today was, EXHAUSTING. It is seriously hard, taxing work to put on one of these things. But at the end of the day, when we finished the yard sale and packed everything back up, we all sat around the kitchen table and counted. Altogether, from things we sold at the yard sale, our lemonade stand, and donations, we raised $782.00!

YARDSALING

     Ok, so I admit I have been slacking on the blog updates lately. Life had been a bit on the crazy side! But I am determined to become more devoted to keeping this blog up, if only to be able to look back on this experience one day and see God's faithfulness.
     So, we had our first phone interview last week with a social worker from Lifeline. If I understand correctly, its kindof like the first step in our homestudy, which is a series of interviews, education, and paperwork. At the end of our homestudy, we will be able to apply for adoption grants and get matched with a child. Don't quote me on all of that, because I am by no means an expert at all of this yet, but I think thats right or pretty close to right. I was really nervous about our interview for some reason, but it was no big deal at all. Our social worker was so nice and it was completely non-intimidating. I keep trying to take the advice of my other adoptive parent friends, that it is really no big deal, but it all still seems weighty. Something about having my entire future family dependent upon the content of some paperwork and interviews feels... like a big deal. lol
     We started clearing out Jack Jack's room, aka the office, last sunday. Is it weird I'm already nesting??? We decided to sell most of the things in there at our

ADOPTION YARDSALE

( ON NOVEMBER 3, 2012 AT A LOCATION TBD IN THE NEAR FUTURE...).

Althoug of course wading through all of our junk and deciding what to get rid of is not necessarily the funnest of life's activities, there is something so energizing about this fundraising. It feels like we're transferring all of our junk, and all the junk other people are donating, into this awesome gift toward our son. My friend Jess took me to meet her friend this weekend at a yardsale she was having to help raise money for her family's adoption from Haiti. She had so many fantastic ideas, and really a lot of wisdom and insight into the heart of adoption and the financial issues that sometimes follow. I'm going to wait to blog about all of her advice until after I have our own yardsale and can speak from experience. 

     This weekend, with the help of my family in Enterprise, I'm having our first official Joy Family Adoption yardsale in my sweet momma and daddy's front yard. I'm so excited to start off our yardsale fundraising excursion in the same city that grew me up. I think its going to be exciting and fun, and humbling- because the farther we get into this adoption, the more we realize we can't do it on our own. And being insufficient, and really NEEDING help from other people seems to go against the grain of the society we live in. Being unable to do something on your own is broadcasted as some type of shortcoming or failure, and subsequently makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. But I think thats a flaw in this society and not a flaw in God's design and plan, or in our calling to adopt. Also, I really LOVE yardsales :). My mother and my husband have different thoughts entirely, but I, LOVE them. So wish us luck and pray to the Lord for his blessing as we start in this new fundraiser!

     Just to give an overview of the fundraising we have already started, let me recap everything we're doing to raise money.

 We started by having cards printed with a short description of our heart for adoption and how people could help support us. Its pretty cute if I do say so myself. It has a link to our website, http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?fundraiser_id=4922&url=thejoyfamilyadoption which is a website anyone can go to in order to donate money to our adoption. It accepts paypal and all major credit cards.

 We went to Regions and set up a separate adoption account that all of our adoption donations go into. So far, the money has helped cover our application fee, two SBCN application fees, the $9 it cost to mail our SBCN fees off, and our first major payment toward the adoption.

We are selling t-shirts that have "ethiopia: 5 million minus 1" on the front of a grey comfort color shirt. T.J. designed the cover art :). They cost 20 dollars, and we will hand them out personally to everyone who lives in Tuscaloosa, and mail the others to people who live outside the city. The t-shirt company has been very gracious to make the shirts at cost for us and said hand delivering or mailing ourselves will be less expensive than having the company do it for us. The  link to our t-shirt site is http://www.alatees.com/index.php/joyfamilyethiopiaadoptionfundraiser.html?fb_action_ids=4247504338193&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=246965925417366

And finally, we are having yardsales. One will be in Enterprise this Friday and Saturday, and the other will be in Tuscaloosa on the first weekend of November. If it snowballs, and we keep getting more and more donations and momentum, I might just keep having them every weekend!

I'm also throwing around the idea of having a "mom's day out" or "date night" at our church, but I don't know if there are problems with the church bylaws regarding public use of the facilities or something. I might also put a carwash together, but I haven't decided yet.

So far, from all the donations on our website and in response to our cards, the money our friend's daughter raised for us by having a lemonade stand, plus any extra money we have at the end of the month and birthday money, we have raised $3,231.43. Thats awesome so far! In the grand scheme of things its only 12%, lol, but the help and support from our friends has been overwhelming and encouraging. We need to raise 3,000 more dollars before the end of our home study in order to make our next payment.

We are so excited to really put action to our calling to adopt. It makes it feel even more real for some reason. And working for it all is hard, but it makes the goal of having our son home all the sweeter!

Starbucks

     My life has felt like a whirlwind for several years now. College. Marriage. Babies. More college. Adopting. Still...more college. Its been a huge change from the stable, comfortable life I lived in the same town with the same people doing the same thing. Its been great! But also extremely crazy and fast. I never would have thought at 22 I'd have done all these things. I say all this to say, sometimes change is hard. I feel like all these changes led me through a season of loneliness. Lets face it, the college-aged minister's wife mother of one and one on the way demographic is extremely small. I've had alot of trouble finding out where I fit and understanding this new person I've become. Making friends has been hard for me. Relating to people in a genuine and meaningful way has become much more of a struggle than I ever thought it would be. I am so glad to say I feel that season passing.
     A couple of weeks ago T.J. and I went to a Lifeline meet and greet in Birmingham. It was exactly that- just a bunch of families adopting from Ethiopia crammed into a room with refreshments and a common interest. We met two families and they were both wonderful, and we had fantastic conversation and then went home. I got a facebook message from one of them later and we all decided to meet up and talk about our adoptions. We met today in this random Starbucks in a Bessemer Target and talked for 3 hours. I cannot explain how refreshing it feels to relate to someone who's heart is so deeply bound in the same thing as mine. I SOAKED in all of their wisdom and insight. Both girls are ahead of us in the adoption process so they know whats coming for me, and they shared their own experiences. We just sat around and talked about our worries, and our hopes, and our purposes and reasonings. And then we complained to each other a little bit and laughed a little bit and ate cake. It was absolutely marvelous. It feels like a really long time since I had such good community. It feels so encouraging to have other mothers to lean on during this crazy process, and even after its all over and done with.
     On Monday we are going to send off our first payment and some paperwork. Then, we get our first orientation call! I'm a little bit hazy still on how the whole process goes, but what I do understand is that there are a lot more payments and interviews and paperwork standing between me and my son. Step by step we are getting closer though! We were really kindof worried about paying the first payment, which is about $3,000, because...we had no idea where we were going to find that. lol. But somehow we managed to get just enough! I've heard so many people say how God has been faithful to them in their adoption. I think like, "Ya, thats pretty easy for you to say now thats its already happened for you." But I'm seeing little by little how true that is.  My heart knows that God is faithful, and his heart is for adoption, but my mind sometimes struggles with the logistics of it all. I'm really looking forward to experiencing God's faithfulness myself.

Starting.

I cannot believe this little baby is now a big baby. And she goes to daycare.

(her first day yesterday)

(Her adorable outfit today)

     Something interesting I've learned about the first day of daycare is that most all mothers become absolute emotional wrecks. My heart started beating really fast and my throat got really tight. And no exaggeration, from the time we got out of our car until we left the building we probably saw 2 or 3 HYSTERICAL mothers. I don't really blame them, because I had already had my fair share of tears over this traumatic event. Its not really the fact she's going. Or the handing off. Its the leaving that tears me apart. The idea of some other woman, however nice and capable she may be, taking care of my daughter. Seeing her do things for the first time, and getting all her smiles throughout the day. It burns me up.

     My thoughtful and sensitive husband took me to breakfast yesterday to try and comfort my freshly broken heart. It helped, but nothing changes the sharpness of being separated from your child.

What a perfect segway to adoption talk.... :)

     I've never been bungee jumping, but I imagine the feeling I've been experiencing is similar. Just jumping off the edge and hoping everything goes ok. lol. T.J. and I have been working hard on our application for Lifeline (which is very extensive by the way) and putting it in the mail today or tomorrow. It feels like all our hopes and plans and future are sitting in a tiny little envelope- the sum of our son all written out and neatly mailed off. Its weird. Its like we're walking right up to the edge and looking over, just about to make the leap. And honestly I have no idea how its all going to work out! I know this is part of the relying on God part, but man, easier said that done. The fleshly side of myself wishes I could already see how it is going to work out.

     I talked to my friend Jessica Bridges the other day about Jack Jack. She's been a wife longer than me and already has 4 children, so needless to say she is full of wisdom and knows alot of things I could not even begin to understand. Its refreshing to have conversation with people who are so grounded in their relationship with the Lord, and who are obviously smarter than you, so I MEGA unloaded on her. Ever since the Uganda adoption didn't work out, I felt like I had failed somehow. Like I didn't really know what God wanted and that I was just doing what I wanted and making it up as I went along. Surely God doesn't set you up to have the rug pulled out from under you, does he? Maybe I was misunderstanding His will or worse... maybe I wasn't being "called" to adopt at all. Maybe I just wanted to aside from Him. Maybe it wasn't the right timing. So, as I started mentioning all this words I probably don't even really understand like "timing" and "calling" and "God's will," Jess just sat there and listened. And then she said something so simple and profound it kind of knocked me back for a moment. She said she thinks people use words like "timing," and "calling" as excuses not to do things sometimes. Ultimately, we have to look at what the Bible says. It says "care for widow and orphans in their affliction" (James 1:27). SO, if your willing to do it, God has already called us to care for them. Would God really choose not to bless us if we seek after a child he has already burdened our hearts for, and spoken from His word to protect and care for?

Um. Duh. I think he would bless us.

     If theres one thing I have learned from parenting its that daddies love their children. No wonder his heart is for the broken and abandoned. No wonder he forgives us and loves us. Surely he will bless efforts toward bringing a child into a family. His heart is for adoption. He adopted me. And save the grace of God, we are all orphans, longing for relationship and love.

     I'm not discrediting these churchy words, or even claiming to understand God's timing or will or call. The older I get the more I realize how little I know. The one thing I do know is I believe the Bible, and I believe in Jesus. And I know that my life has been changed because of what Jesus has done for me, and I know this longing of my heart for someone I have never met must be from Him. I don't see from here how its going to work out in the end, but I believe it to be true and I believe that God will bless our efforts and bring our family together. One day soon  the "sharpness of being separated from your child" will shrink from across the world to across town.

If you want to help with our fundraising efforts, check out our fundraising website!

Jack Jack

     Yesterday was a flurry. We had our Sunday fourth of July service, followed by spaghetti and an excellent nap, then followed by intense efforts at writing and editing and website creation. We wrote out our fundraising letter (which I will not be discussing because it is ADORABLE and I want it to be a surprise :) ), and starting off was really challenging for some reason. Me and T.J. sat on our bed with jus the words "dear friends and family" before us for a good 20 minutes. I was genuinely surprised at how hard it was to write out this letter. I guess its challenging to verbalize all the huge and complex feelings and reasonings we have in a very small concise letter. Its not like a blog where I can just ramble on and on about whatever I feel like. lol. But after a little (well, a lot) of discussion and effort, we finally got rolling and made our little masterpiece. Its totally cute and trendy and technologically current. T.J. found this cool website that allows free fundraising, so basically the website doesn't receive any profit from the fundraising-it all goes to the "recipient." I think thats pretty nice of them. We just made it yesterday and posted it to facebook on our wall and in my "about" section. My momma was the first to donate, and she signed it "Nana."My heart swelled just at that thought-he's got a sweet Nana. I know the goal of a fundraising website is to ...well raise funds... but for some reason I was unexpectedly shocked! I checked my email and squealed so loudly T.J. said I scared him. It feels like more than a friend or family member just giving us money. It feels like one of the most deeply touching gifts I've ever been given. Its like they are giving us parenthood again. I know of course, it is God and God alone who is actually giving our son and us to one another, but the blessing I receive from these people's generosity is humbling. One person left us an "anonymous" donation, which is so sweet and I know they did that because they don't want any recognition. But I wish I could just go up and hug their neck and tell them how deeply thankful I am. I feel my thankyou card itch coming back again, but it hardly seems appropriate to write a card to someone who is changing our lives. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even making any sense as I write this, but I wish I could take my heart out of my chest and give it to them so they could understand the way I'm feeling. How blessed I feel. How thankful. How honored and humbled and blessed. I said blessed twice because thats how much I feel it.
     So anyways, my mushy gushy feelings aside, we are a few tiny baby steps closer to the day we meet my Jack Jack. We have a few forms to fill out and a couple of payments to get in line and a LOT of waiting to do, but we've actually begun it. I can feel my soul sigh as I think of all the time we are spending apart. When I put Madelyn down for her nap (praise God) this afternoon, I stopped and admired her for a moment. As it often does, my mind wandered to Jack and what he is doing this moment. Obviously, theres no way to know. No way to even know if he exists yet. But he might- he could be anywhere from a newborn to 3 years old. As a momma, I started to think about his care and worry for him. Is he getting changed often enough or getting proper nutrition or enough vitamin D? Is he being kept clean and fed? Are there people who are loving and taking care of him while we are apart? Then my mind wanders to more personal thoughts. Does he know that his MOTHER loves him? Does he know that I love him more than I can stand and that I would do anything and go anywhere to bring him home? Does he know that I literally ache for him, and worry for him, and imagine room decorations for him because I want to take care of him for the rest of my life. I want to be the one to kiss his boo boos and his forehead goodnight. I want to hold him close when he is scared and tell him about Jesus and play with him as long as he wants. I know I'm not perfect and I'll mess up but the God-given love I have for him is absolutely perfect. Does he know all these things? And of course the answer is no. How could he. This is the thought that brings me to tears nearly every time. No. He doesn't know I love him. Yet.
     My last blog was about how awkward fundraising seems to me and how unqualified I feel to attempt it at all. I asked My dad-in-law how to raise money, and he said "just ask." Haha, to be honest I felt a little dumb after he said that, as if it were so simple. I also felt majorly encouraged after he made my mountain back into a molehill, because when Daddys' aren't worried about something it makes you feel like you shouldn't be worried either. There is a link at the bottom of this blog to our fundraising website if you would like to donate toward our adoption expenses. Also there is a link to Lifeline Adoption Services if you want to check out the agency we are going through, and a link to T.J.'s blog if you want to read about his experiences through this adoption.

....and also a picture of Madelyn today, just because she is looking especially beautiful. :)




http://www.youcaring.com/fundraiser_details?fundraiser_id=4922&url=thejoyfamilyadoption

http://lifelinechild.org/adoption/international/ethiopia/

http://tjjoy.wordpress.com

looking like a baby model

First Steps

     Wow. I don't know what it is about first steps, but they make things seem really real, don't they? Earlier this week we began emailing and speaking on the phone with social workers from Lifeline Adoption Agency. Somehow getting into the details of how this adoption is going to go makes my heart start beating really fast. Like...its really happening. We're really doing it. Turning this dream into the beginnings of a reality feels amazing. And it feels hard too, if I'm being honest. Theres so much to do and so many mountains to climb that it seems a little bit overwhelming at times.
     We started looking into the financial logistics, and this is probably the area that feels the hardest for me. The adoption will end up costing roughly $27,000 ( I think- things are always subject to change I suppose). Of course there are grants and tax returns, but the tax returns we won't see for a while, and we can't even apply for grants until after we have a home study, which is almost $8,000 into the process. And then there is fundraising. We are going to definitely do some fundraising somehow, but its  awkward isn't it? Asking people for money outright or trying to sell them things they don't really want and feel pressured to buy...Totally awkward. For me at least! And most of the ideas I've heard about and read about sound unappetizing to me. I'm not really into selling cookie dough or magnets- because I wouldn't really want to buy any of those myself. lol. I don't have any "skills" to do anything or make anything as some sites and people suggest. So here I am, skill-less, awkward salesman Malyssa. Hopelessly uncomfortable and ill-equipped. T.J. and I are more than happy to hear any suggestions for fundraising if you have any experience or good ideas! Lord knows I will need them.

Uganda...

    Sometimes I wish I could just KNOW God's plan for

 my life. The sudden turns and surprises keep things

interesting, but they can sure be painful sometimes.

     When I was a freshman in college I saw a video called "invisible children." It was a documentary about children in Uganda during the civil war. To be honest, I was utterly crushed-much to my own surprise. I called my then boyfriend TJ, and cried to him about the poor children that had no homes and no one to love them. I still remember telling him I wished I could go over there and bring them all home. Of course that was a vey impossible thing to do, and as time passed I hoped maybe the idea could fade and I would be as I was before. But that night was a turning point for me I think. My eyes were opened, maybe for the first time, to the reality of need apart from the "world" I lived in. And more importantly and personally, I ached for those children. I wanted someone to love those children. I could do that I thought...
     Me and Teej have always talked about adoption. Its one of those things I've almost always kindof wanted to do, for no particularly spiritual reason at first. Its never really been a question of from where, or what age or color or gender. In the beginning, it was simply because I thought kids need parents and I could be that one day. A child is a child, right? As time has passed however, its become much more than a good thing I thought I'd want to do. Its a calling from God on our life. Just like our child is incomplete without a family, we are incomplete without them. He has knit our hearts together already.
     Well, that night my freshman year was the first time I sat down and considered seriously how that might come to actually happen one day-little did I know that two short years later I would be married, have a daughter, and be living in a different city as a pastors wife! Things change quick. Between that night and now, TJ and I have talked about adopting and from where often. Unusually, I've heard alot about Uganda and read books about it and seen choirs from it, and EVERYTHING. Uganda seems to be quite a popular part of Africa lately. It didn't really matter to me though, because my love for these people and my child were neither encouraged or deferred by this new found popularity. I thought that it was God's plan that we were going to adopt  from there. I don't know... Maybe I got my own heart set on something that wasn't in the plan at all, and I just wanted it to be. A few months ago TJ came home with a packet from the LifeLine Adoption agency, and guess what I immediately searched out and found?? Ugandan adoption. Luckily we fit the age and marriage requirements, and I had my heart set on it. I felt confident and sure and I knewww the Lord was going to bring us to our son in Uganda. We decided to wait until after Madelyn was born to get the process started because, well, having a baby is hectic, so we wanted to conquer one challenge at a time.
     Now that Madi is 2 and a half months old, my heart began itching for Jack Jack again. So I pulled up the website the other night, and noticed something new. There has been some changes in Uganda with legislation that changes...everything. According to the LifeLine representative, Uganda is one of the most prideful nations, and they don't particularly want their children to be adopted out of their culture. So unless a family moves to Uganda and lives there for 3 years, it is impossible to adopt.

There is a "legal guardianship," but that requires a "heritage trip" back to Uganda every 5 years until the child is 18 and we wouldn't be considered his parents.

As I read these words, my heart slowly crumbled.

How then was I supposed to go get my son? 

...legal guardian?...not his parents?... I can't explain the way it felt for me to fully grasp the weight of what happened. All my daydreams, all my imagined scenarios of meeting him and whisking him away into our life all evaporated away for me. My son. It felt like someone had taken the most valuable part of myself away. TJ took it better than me and of course I immediately began to cry. I held back the tears I could, but trust me there was much more crying to come.

     To be honest, I felt extremely confused. I thought this was the plan? I thought this should all have worked out. And when it didn't , I couldn't understand. I still don't know if I understand. It seemed so good and perfect. I wanted it. I wanted my son. And now Uganda is out of the picture? Crushing is not a strong enough word to describe it.

     After finding this out, the world paused for me. What seemed so certain and decided was completely gone. It was like starting all over. We started researching other nations, and the stipulations seemed to count us out of most places. We aren't old enough or haven't been married long enough to be "appropriate" to parent most of these countries' orphaned and abandoned children. Ironic right? 

     Me and TJ had a couple of heart to hearts, and seem to have ironed out a few of the ugly,wrinkly questions I have. To me, it felt like we already have a son, and he is in Uganda, and if we don't go and get him, then we are losing our child. I think this is where my dumb self has stumbled. I've been doing a little bit of soul-searching, and I think maybe my sights and dreams were set on something I fabricated myself. As I think about the Lord and his guidance in my life, I know alot of things I thought up for myself were bypassed for the true goodness of HIS plan. But I wanted this, dangit. His heart loves adoption even more perfectly than mine, and I trust that if we are faithful and obedient, He will provide us with the right child at the right time. From the right place, wherever that is. But I still wanted this. Letting go is hard for me. Letting go of control and trusting someone else to dream up and accomplish  this huge thing is hard for me. Even if it is the Lord doing the dreaming and accomplishing.

     All this being said, we are meeting with a social worker from LifeLine in about two weeks. Ethiopia is where we are planning to look into. But I'm keeping my mind open and my heart sensitive to what God wants and not what Malyssa wants. Even though I feel like I know whats best, maybe I really don't. Who am I to contest with the Lord of the universe about things so dear to his heart- like his children.

2 month checkup

     So I learned some new things today, in this order: Madelyn does not like large shots in her thigh, I cry when she gets large shots in her thigh, and listening to Adele makes us both feel better.

     I can't believe my sweet little baby is already 2 months old. And huge. Growing up makes me real sad. She got 4 big ole shots,  and one vaccine drink thing. She's officially experienced both infant tylenol and D-Vi-Sol. While I am thankful for and do not underestimate modern medicine, I'm still sad. It feels a little bit like she's lost some part of that pure innocence she had when she was born. No medicines or problems or illnesses-just perfect and undefiled and completely new. Oh, growing up is hard. Her growing up is hard. Well, on me.  Madi is just changing so fast, and I'm having trouble keeping up. I have... growth whiplash.

 I think I discovered why other moms don't warn you about the secret atrocities of parenthood. Its because its impossible to understand how it could be worth it from "the other side." Who wants to hear your clothes STILL won't fit, that you will never get to sleep as long as you want again, and that learning to breastfeed is more painful than having both your arms cut off (at least for me). And yet, its been the pleasure of my life. I love it and I love HER literally more than I love my own life. I love her needs and her future more than my own. If you don't believe me, take a look at my facebook. Its blown up all day with pictures of her. I looked through my pictures the other day, and there is an obvious division. Before she was born, its a picture of Malyssa and T.J. at the concert... a picture of Malyssa in Sunday School, a picture of Malyssa with her mom.... and now, Madelyn...Madelyn...Madelyn...maybe someone else, and Madelyn...
      My heart and my thoughts and my house are consumed with this precious little gift. My love. To the point that a few measly shots inflicted on SOMEONE ELSE will make me tear up and crumble. This whole parenting thing has permanently destroyed my life as I previously knew it. But the replacement life has been awesome! Its a sharp learning curve though.

sweet love

     I make an effort every day to obtain some form of normalcy. Lately thats been found in the form of brushing my teeth and making the bed. If I can brush my teeth before lunch time, I'm having a good day. If I can make the bed before bedtime again, its been a success. Who knew household chores and basic hygiene would one day make me feel productive. lol. But its been baby steps!!
      Madelyn likes to stay awake until about 2am every morning, which really interferes with my sleeping, can occasionally make me grumpy, and makes her cute little self much less cute. Life in general is just not as cute at 2 in the morning. I discovered a magical trick that makes her sleepy though. I laid down the other day in our bed and held her really close to my chest. For the longest time, I've felt like she was pretty indifferent to me and TJ-but can you blame her, shes a brand new baby that doesn't know what the heck is going on around her. But this particular day, I laid down with her and she cuddled up so close to me. She'd been a total gremlin all day long, but when we laid down she snuggled up and quit her headsplitting cries...and all was forgiven. I was absolutely in love. Its tiny little moments like that that I gain more understanding for God's love for me. I was about to explode from all the trouble she was being that day. She's a clueless little baby that doesn't know whats good for her. I know (most...or some of the time...) what she needs. I want nothing more than to take care of her. And she can be completely distressing to me all day, and the moment she decides to cling to me and let me take care of her, its all ok. I want to embrace her and protect her and all her  difficulty is forgiven. In fact, my heart leaps at the thought that she seeks comfort in me.
     It gives me a new perspective of how God sees me. Sometimes I have an issue with feeling like God won't want to hang out with me, or he's mad at me, because of my failures. But the way I feel when my daughter longs for me changes everything. If this is just a reflection of how the Lord feels when I want to cling to Him, then everything feels completely different. Of course I still want Madelyn to grow, and learn and not stay making the same annoyances, but I completely accept her just the way she is. I know God doesn't want me to stay as I am, but I feel like I understand the acceptance he has of His children much better. Not only am I relieved when she wants to be close and finds comfort, but my heart is blessed.

Mother's Day came early!

     My husband is a fantastic man and a wonderful father. But he is terrible at keeping secrets and resisting gift giving. Its a flaw I'm rather fond of. He made this Mother's day SO special for me. And it hasn't even happened yet! Today when he came home from work, he cleverly taped a "note from Madelyn" on our bathroom door with instructions to ask daddy what she got for me. He pulled out a little gold box. Now, I know what the little gold box means- it means some kind of great jewelry. TJ is always bringing me fantastic gold boxes. He got his father's overindulgent jewelry giving bone (another one of TJ's fantastic attributes). I unwrapped Madi's gift and sitting inside that adorable little gold box...were a pair of diamond earrings. They are beautiful! I could hardly believe Madelyn could think of such an amazing gift :). And whats even better than the most beautiful pair of earrings in the world, is the thought behind it. Diamonds just so happen to be Madelyn's birth stone. And one day when she's older, I'll get to pass them down to her. What a thoughtful daddy.

4 weeks old

"Rules is there ain't no rules."

Prophetic wisdom spoken in Grease.

     I've read or at least flipped through pretty near all the books. I've gone to most of the classes. I have the lactation consultant and well baby nursery on speed dial. So imagine how perturbed I was when I discovered that I still had no idea what to do with this baby.

     The last four weeks have been wonderful. And terrible challenging. My nerves and my hair are continually frazzled on this learning curve. It seems like every book and mother have a different philosophy on when to feed and when to let them cry or how often they are supposed to poop. And the unfortunate conclusion I've come to is... every baby and every momma are differrent. DANG. I wish there was some book that had all the right answers and that my baby was a textbook example of everything. I wish she ate at the same times and slept at the same times and pooped at appropriate intervals throughout the day. But... she doesn't. There are countless rules and suggestions and tricks that are all DIFFERENT and all separate from my child and my experience. DANG AGAIN.

     I've mellowed a little bit, but I still feel anxious and guilty and worry alot. I still check on Madelyn when she's sleeping and randomly poke her to make sure she's still alive. I still have moments when I have no idea what she wants or how to take care of her. I called my momma yesterday, and she gave me some of the best and most calming advice I've gotten in a long time. She said, "Just don't worry about anything else but doing what Madelyn wants and getting to know her. The new things she does today and the things she's learning now, are going to be gone tomorrow." Its kindof refreshing in a mildly depressing way, haha. I think I've been so concerned with achieving some semblance of a "schedule" and successful feeding times, and self-soothing tactics, that I have completely missed the fact that my daughter is not a robot and she is also only 4 weeks old. Alot of things have changed for her!! She doesn't know the difference betweeen "parent-directed feeding" and "demand  feedings," or when she is supposed to do what or how many times. She doesn't have charts and apps marked out like I do. She's just a baby.

     In the middle of the night when Madelyn wakes up hungry and is especially upset, I always sing to her and make promises like "Momma is always going to take care of you." Lately, I've added the clause "...as best as she can..." All I can do is the best I can, right? Maybe I'm not the perfect mom, or always in sinc with what she wants, but I sure am trying my hardest. And today, I'm stepping back and just enjoying her. Leave the life crisis for another day, and all the problems of the world for another day, and today I'm just going to chill with my darling daughter and enjoying the mystery of parenthood.

...After all, she's only going to be like this for a little while. And it really does go by too fast...

Dear Madelyn...

Dear Madelyn,

     I have never been more enamored with anyone in my life before. I find I can't stop looking at you sometimes! My latest obsession is with your eyelashes. Your cute little baby eyelashes. So small and so perfect and so pretty. I've memorized every part of you. You have detached earlobes like your daddy. Your skin matches mine exactly. You have the same color hair that I had when I was a baby. T.J. swears your blue grey eyes are turning green, but I don't think so. I hope they stay blue like your grandpas'. Sometimes things are so hard- learning to live with all the new challenges of parenthood is....hard. But I wish that I could capture all these moments and save them forever. I want to just spend forever in the moments when I hold you and you gaze into my eyes. You are the most perfect thing I've ever had in my life. The most perfect, pure, and sweet thing I've ever been blessed with. I want to learn who you are and what you like. And make you happy and bring that big gummy smile to your face. I want to take care of you for the rest of my life and see you learn to walk and take you to the park and Beiber concerts. I wish I could protect you from all the bad things in this world, and keep you innocent and light-hearted. I wish I could take all the terrible things that are going to happen to you in this life and stop them. I want to kiss away any sad feelings and heal up all your hurts. I know thats unrealistic, but... I just want to give you the world. The whole wide world, and every good and perfect thing. You hold my entire heart.

laugh or start crying

     I'm about at that point. I feel like I am going to either be light-hearted and work through it like a rational adult, or cry. Mostly I cry like an overwhelmed irrational adult. I actually have been crying alot lately. Blame it on the lingering pregnancy hormones. I thought I was doing ok the first week and half or so, and then the romantic euphoria of our newborn child kindof began wearing off and now I just feel...tired. Maybe exhausted is a more accurate word. I've been running on a few two hour naps a day. NAPS. just naps. for two and a half weeks. And, yet, I have not died. Although there are times I thought I would.
     There have been so many fantastic veteran mothers that have offered great advice and help. It feels really great to know that I am not alone in the way I've been feeling. As a new momma, I've been riddled with guilt and anxiety. I can barely sleep at night, even though I'm more tired than I have ever been. I worry she's still breathing when she sleeps silently. I worry about letting her sleep too long and not feeding her enough. I went to Target yesterday all by myself for the first time- I have issues leaving her. But when I got in my car, turned on my music, and started driving, I felt like a normal person again. All by myself, just like old times. It was wonderful. And I felt guilty for that. I feel so worn out, and sometimes all I want is a break. I think I can't see how wonderful she is, and how wonderful these times are, because of how tired I am. And I feel guilty for that. I still dread feeding times sometimes. Because they're hard. And I feel guilty for that.  I always thought I'm a very laid back person, and I'm not going to stress about things. Everyone said no matter what, you will stress over the first baby. Well, I think stress is an understatement.
     Maybe we are on the up and up. Things seem much easier sometimes. Sometimes. "Sense of normalcy" is still an evasive goal. I want to think we're starting to get the hang of things! But I'm not entirely sure that ever happens as a parent. lol. I look forward to having mom friends and play dates and learning how to handle this little adventure and completely new life. I think I'm going to laugh and cry alot more though...

18 days old

15 days old

 

The scarf is a little bit bigger on Madelyn... :)

     I have a confession. I am nervous around Madi. They say you should talk to your baby because they like the sound of your voice. But I don't know what to say to her! Its like being on a date with someone you really like and want to impress, and you just can't think of anything funny or witty to say. I know that sounds dumb, but I can't find any words that seem good enough to steal her heart like she has stolen mine. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones still wearing off, or the bulging love that makes my chest want to explode, but I held her today and just cried. I couldn't think of any words to say. So I just cried. Not because I'm sad, but because I'm so happy. Because she is so beautiful. Because her mannerisms already make me want to record every second of her life. Because she is so adorable and I absolutely LOVE her and she is perfect. And it makes me nervous. lol. Because how could anybody ever be even close to as wonderful as she is.

thoughts on babies...

As a disclaimer, there may be content involved in this post that boys don't want to read about. Like breastfeeding and blood and guts and stuff.

     Two tuesdays ago, I was feeling especially pregnant and sickly, so my sweet husband cancelled his bible study and resorted to watching Smallville with me instead. And you know what happened around 5:30? My water broke.
     Its funny how you never know the way you will react to something until it happens. For me, once my water broke, I felt...giddy. Like Christmas was coming early-and in a way, it was, because we were going in the next morning to be induced. I couldn't stop smiling and laughing, and neither T.J. or myself could remember what we were supposed to do next. I was gross from chilling all day, so I actually hopped in the shower. T.J. assumed to normal anxious husband role, and began rushing around trying to get everything ready and talking really fast. I wasn't even in any pain. We caught every red light on the way to the hospital, and then I was casually rolled up to the 3rd floor. It was all terribly anti-climactic; not a thing like it is in the movies. As soon as we got to labor and delivery, I got a very pretty gown to put on, and a big ole IV in my arm. They took some blood, and right away I was aloud to get an epidural. Dr. Ray said, "You can wait to get one if you want, but why hurt if you don't have to?" Couldn't argue with that, so we went ahead and got one. Luckily, epidurals go in your back so you don't have to look at the enormous needles they are putting into your body. They put one in, and did a test run to see if it was in the right place. It wasn't. I almost passed out. Besides seeing Madelyn for the first time, thats the only time I cried. But man, when they got that epidural in the right place, it was NICE. I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt high as a kite. It was way nice. I didn't feel any of my active labor pains, and when it came time to push, it felt like...I just really had to poop. lol. Toward the end, it was pretty painful, but still, nothing like the movies. I never once yelled at T.J. or cussed at anybody. I prayed alot, haha. T.J. was an angel- holding my hand, and feeding me ice chips, and telling me how good I was doing. Like my own personal cheering section. And 7 hours after we checked in, at 1:16 a.m., we saw our daughter for the first time. We heard her for the first time. And we both cried. She was just the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even covered in blood and guts, and screaming her head off, she was beautiful. And perfect. T.J. cut the cord, and they weighed and measured her, and handed her to her daddy to be the first one to hold her. I wanted him to be her first kiss. I can't explain the way it feels to see your child's face for the first time, or hear their voice for the first time. Its the most amazing experience to carry a person around for 9 months, and finally get to meet them. Its a love thats completely new to me. I make her all these huge promises without the blink of an eye, and I absolutely mean them. Its not even hard to make them. Like... I will do anything for you. I will always try to protect you. I am absolutely in love with you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen... We are unconditionally, irrevocably bonded together for the rest of our lives. She is mine, and I am hers. Forever. I love her with a love that makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
     Now, back to having babies. The worse part is 5 hours after you have the baby, when the epidural runs out, and your body still had a huge 8 pound baby explode out of it. That must be why women get 6 weeks off when they have a kid. Because recovery is slow, and kindof hurts alot, and you can only get like 3 hours of sleep at a time because you have an infant to take care of. Birthing a child is like the only traumatic body damage a person endures, and then is immediately expected to also endure sleep deprivation alongside the hardest thing a person can ever do-breastfeed. Who knew that would be so hard? But its SO hard. All I had was colostrum because my milk had not come in yet, and Madelyn had lost 6% of her body weight. At 7% they make you supplement, which was a dirty word to me. I kept trying to feed her, but its a learning experience for both of us-and apparently neither one of us were very good at it. I was exhausted and I felt like I was a failure as a mother already! I felt like I was starving my baby, and I should have had more to give her. I experienced my first post-partum breakdown at about 2 a.m. one morning when a nurse told me about that "s" word. But don't worry. She survived, and so did I.

Lessons I learned from delivering my first baby:

1. Don't forget your shampoo, because they won't give you any.
2. Sleep whenever you get the chance.
3. Order alot of food, because its all free
4. Let your husband sleep at night so he can entertain guests while you sleep. Whenever you can.
5. A few stitches and pain for a short amount of time is nothing compared to what you get out of it.
6. Definitely, definitely, take the stool softener
7.Take tons of pictures, because while it seems like you won't survive to the two week mark, every day    you'll look back and realize how much your baby has grown. And how you'll never get that time back.



Lessons I learned from my two weeks of parenthood:

1. Babies eat often. "Sleep when they sleep." And make sure you eat too. I forgot to sometimes, and it makes things doubly exhausting.
2. Drink about 15 gallons of water a day
3. Make good friends with the lactation consultants, because they will be your savior during breastfeeding dilemmas.
4. Babies can be little jerks and cry like they are hungry, and then fall asleep as soon as they start feeding. And then wake up and start crying again. And then poop and throw up all over you. And for the first couple days, you WILL see the sun rise.
5. Madelyn is not nearly as breakable as I thought she would be
6. Burp your baby well, or she might projectile vomit.
7. Umbilical cord stumps are gross
8. Make time to hang out with your husband, because he is one of the best things that has ever happened to you.
9. Even though you hold your baby all the time to feed her and change her, hold her just to hold her. Hold her close to you and kiss her face and try to remember how it feels

11 days old!

Daddy, aka "PaPa" came up to visit today too. She looks so tiny in his arms! Its a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and we might just try to have a lunch date today.

10 days olddd

My momma and my sister and niece came to visit us today! 10 days old, getting better at eating AND sleeping. Life is getting a little easier as we try to get into a routine and sleep pattern. If newborn babies can get into routines. lol.

My baby grows too fast

We have the most beautiful girl in the entire world. I could probably look at her all day, because I am amazed at how just...pretty she is. Sometimes I hold her really close to me and just think, 'Don't forget this. Don't forget this ever.' Already she's 9 days old. It all really does go by so fast when you take a step back. I always want to remember. The way her hair feels, and how soft her cheeks feel against mine. The way her tiny hands grasp mine and how her beautiful blue grey eyes look up at me. The way she clings to me. Her cute little baby lips. I love everything about her. Poop and snot and spit up are suddenly not as disgusting as I thought they were when they come from one of the people I cherish most. I never want to forget these times, but sometimes they seem like they are already flying by...

Wednesday, her birth day

Thursday, day 1

Friday, day 2. When we left the hospital

Saturday day 3

Sunday, Day 4. Easter

Monday, day 5

Wednesday, day 7

Thursday, day 8

Friday, day 9