laugh or start crying

     I'm about at that point. I feel like I am going to either be light-hearted and work through it like a rational adult, or cry. Mostly I cry like an overwhelmed irrational adult. I actually have been crying alot lately. Blame it on the lingering pregnancy hormones. I thought I was doing ok the first week and half or so, and then the romantic euphoria of our newborn child kindof began wearing off and now I just feel...tired. Maybe exhausted is a more accurate word. I've been running on a few two hour naps a day. NAPS. just naps. for two and a half weeks. And, yet, I have not died. Although there are times I thought I would.
     There have been so many fantastic veteran mothers that have offered great advice and help. It feels really great to know that I am not alone in the way I've been feeling. As a new momma, I've been riddled with guilt and anxiety. I can barely sleep at night, even though I'm more tired than I have ever been. I worry she's still breathing when she sleeps silently. I worry about letting her sleep too long and not feeding her enough. I went to Target yesterday all by myself for the first time- I have issues leaving her. But when I got in my car, turned on my music, and started driving, I felt like a normal person again. All by myself, just like old times. It was wonderful. And I felt guilty for that. I feel so worn out, and sometimes all I want is a break. I think I can't see how wonderful she is, and how wonderful these times are, because of how tired I am. And I feel guilty for that. I still dread feeding times sometimes. Because they're hard. And I feel guilty for that.  I always thought I'm a very laid back person, and I'm not going to stress about things. Everyone said no matter what, you will stress over the first baby. Well, I think stress is an understatement.
     Maybe we are on the up and up. Things seem much easier sometimes. Sometimes. "Sense of normalcy" is still an evasive goal. I want to think we're starting to get the hang of things! But I'm not entirely sure that ever happens as a parent. lol. I look forward to having mom friends and play dates and learning how to handle this little adventure and completely new life. I think I'm going to laugh and cry alot more though...

18 days old