sweet love

     I make an effort every day to obtain some form of normalcy. Lately thats been found in the form of brushing my teeth and making the bed. If I can brush my teeth before lunch time, I'm having a good day. If I can make the bed before bedtime again, its been a success. Who knew household chores and basic hygiene would one day make me feel productive. lol. But its been baby steps!!
      Madelyn likes to stay awake until about 2am every morning, which really interferes with my sleeping, can occasionally make me grumpy, and makes her cute little self much less cute. Life in general is just not as cute at 2 in the morning. I discovered a magical trick that makes her sleepy though. I laid down the other day in our bed and held her really close to my chest. For the longest time, I've felt like she was pretty indifferent to me and TJ-but can you blame her, shes a brand new baby that doesn't know what the heck is going on around her. But this particular day, I laid down with her and she cuddled up so close to me. She'd been a total gremlin all day long, but when we laid down she snuggled up and quit her headsplitting cries...and all was forgiven. I was absolutely in love. Its tiny little moments like that that I gain more understanding for God's love for me. I was about to explode from all the trouble she was being that day. She's a clueless little baby that doesn't know whats good for her. I know (most...or some of the time...) what she needs. I want nothing more than to take care of her. And she can be completely distressing to me all day, and the moment she decides to cling to me and let me take care of her, its all ok. I want to embrace her and protect her and all her  difficulty is forgiven. In fact, my heart leaps at the thought that she seeks comfort in me.
     It gives me a new perspective of how God sees me. Sometimes I have an issue with feeling like God won't want to hang out with me, or he's mad at me, because of my failures. But the way I feel when my daughter longs for me changes everything. If this is just a reflection of how the Lord feels when I want to cling to Him, then everything feels completely different. Of course I still want Madelyn to grow, and learn and not stay making the same annoyances, but I completely accept her just the way she is. I know God doesn't want me to stay as I am, but I feel like I understand the acceptance he has of His children much better. Not only am I relieved when she wants to be close and finds comfort, but my heart is blessed.

Mother's Day came early!

     My husband is a fantastic man and a wonderful father. But he is terrible at keeping secrets and resisting gift giving. Its a flaw I'm rather fond of. He made this Mother's day SO special for me. And it hasn't even happened yet! Today when he came home from work, he cleverly taped a "note from Madelyn" on our bathroom door with instructions to ask daddy what she got for me. He pulled out a little gold box. Now, I know what the little gold box means- it means some kind of great jewelry. TJ is always bringing me fantastic gold boxes. He got his father's overindulgent jewelry giving bone (another one of TJ's fantastic attributes). I unwrapped Madi's gift and sitting inside that adorable little gold box...were a pair of diamond earrings. They are beautiful! I could hardly believe Madelyn could think of such an amazing gift :). And whats even better than the most beautiful pair of earrings in the world, is the thought behind it. Diamonds just so happen to be Madelyn's birth stone. And one day when she's older, I'll get to pass them down to her. What a thoughtful daddy.

4 weeks old

"Rules is there ain't no rules."

Prophetic wisdom spoken in Grease.

     I've read or at least flipped through pretty near all the books. I've gone to most of the classes. I have the lactation consultant and well baby nursery on speed dial. So imagine how perturbed I was when I discovered that I still had no idea what to do with this baby.

     The last four weeks have been wonderful. And terrible challenging. My nerves and my hair are continually frazzled on this learning curve. It seems like every book and mother have a different philosophy on when to feed and when to let them cry or how often they are supposed to poop. And the unfortunate conclusion I've come to is... every baby and every momma are differrent. DANG. I wish there was some book that had all the right answers and that my baby was a textbook example of everything. I wish she ate at the same times and slept at the same times and pooped at appropriate intervals throughout the day. But... she doesn't. There are countless rules and suggestions and tricks that are all DIFFERENT and all separate from my child and my experience. DANG AGAIN.

     I've mellowed a little bit, but I still feel anxious and guilty and worry alot. I still check on Madelyn when she's sleeping and randomly poke her to make sure she's still alive. I still have moments when I have no idea what she wants or how to take care of her. I called my momma yesterday, and she gave me some of the best and most calming advice I've gotten in a long time. She said, "Just don't worry about anything else but doing what Madelyn wants and getting to know her. The new things she does today and the things she's learning now, are going to be gone tomorrow." Its kindof refreshing in a mildly depressing way, haha. I think I've been so concerned with achieving some semblance of a "schedule" and successful feeding times, and self-soothing tactics, that I have completely missed the fact that my daughter is not a robot and she is also only 4 weeks old. Alot of things have changed for her!! She doesn't know the difference betweeen "parent-directed feeding" and "demand  feedings," or when she is supposed to do what or how many times. She doesn't have charts and apps marked out like I do. She's just a baby.

     In the middle of the night when Madelyn wakes up hungry and is especially upset, I always sing to her and make promises like "Momma is always going to take care of you." Lately, I've added the clause "...as best as she can..." All I can do is the best I can, right? Maybe I'm not the perfect mom, or always in sinc with what she wants, but I sure am trying my hardest. And today, I'm stepping back and just enjoying her. Leave the life crisis for another day, and all the problems of the world for another day, and today I'm just going to chill with my darling daughter and enjoying the mystery of parenthood.

...After all, she's only going to be like this for a little while. And it really does go by too fast...