4 weeks old

"Rules is there ain't no rules."

Prophetic wisdom spoken in Grease.

     I've read or at least flipped through pretty near all the books. I've gone to most of the classes. I have the lactation consultant and well baby nursery on speed dial. So imagine how perturbed I was when I discovered that I still had no idea what to do with this baby.

     The last four weeks have been wonderful. And terrible challenging. My nerves and my hair are continually frazzled on this learning curve. It seems like every book and mother have a different philosophy on when to feed and when to let them cry or how often they are supposed to poop. And the unfortunate conclusion I've come to is... every baby and every momma are differrent. DANG. I wish there was some book that had all the right answers and that my baby was a textbook example of everything. I wish she ate at the same times and slept at the same times and pooped at appropriate intervals throughout the day. But... she doesn't. There are countless rules and suggestions and tricks that are all DIFFERENT and all separate from my child and my experience. DANG AGAIN.

     I've mellowed a little bit, but I still feel anxious and guilty and worry alot. I still check on Madelyn when she's sleeping and randomly poke her to make sure she's still alive. I still have moments when I have no idea what she wants or how to take care of her. I called my momma yesterday, and she gave me some of the best and most calming advice I've gotten in a long time. She said, "Just don't worry about anything else but doing what Madelyn wants and getting to know her. The new things she does today and the things she's learning now, are going to be gone tomorrow." Its kindof refreshing in a mildly depressing way, haha. I think I've been so concerned with achieving some semblance of a "schedule" and successful feeding times, and self-soothing tactics, that I have completely missed the fact that my daughter is not a robot and she is also only 4 weeks old. Alot of things have changed for her!! She doesn't know the difference betweeen "parent-directed feeding" and "demand  feedings," or when she is supposed to do what or how many times. She doesn't have charts and apps marked out like I do. She's just a baby.

     In the middle of the night when Madelyn wakes up hungry and is especially upset, I always sing to her and make promises like "Momma is always going to take care of you." Lately, I've added the clause "...as best as she can..." All I can do is the best I can, right? Maybe I'm not the perfect mom, or always in sinc with what she wants, but I sure am trying my hardest. And today, I'm stepping back and just enjoying her. Leave the life crisis for another day, and all the problems of the world for another day, and today I'm just going to chill with my darling daughter and enjoying the mystery of parenthood.

...After all, she's only going to be like this for a little while. And it really does go by too fast...