No interesting updates, but I guess thats a good thing. I feel a little bit of worry and fear mixed in with all the excitement of every appointment. I've had a few friends, family, and influential women in my life who experienced losing a child, even late in a pregnancy. And if I am honest with myself, I think seeing those losses has terrified me. T.J. says I worry about it too much, but I have this fear that when we go to the doctor, there just might not be a heartbeat or any baby on the screen. Morbid and pessimistic I know. Sometimes I wonder if any other mother feels that way or has the same worries I do, but even if they do, I know its my control issue flaring up again. I've conquered my fears a little bit I suppose, and I have every reason to positive-I'm healthy and young, the baby has done great and is very healthy as far as we can tell-but pesky little negative thoughts still tend to creep in. Its just, this feeling I can't seem to find words to describe.I have never loved anyone like I love this baby. Its world changing. Its overwhelming. It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. It makes me want to do better and be better. This baby makes me want to do anything and everything I can for him or her. Baby Joy makes my life BETTER. In a way I feel more...complete. It reminds me of before I loved T.J., when I thought I was happy and fulfilled, and then I realized I had been missing out on this amazing thing and person I didn't even know really existed. Baby Joy fills a part of me I'm just now realizing I even have, and I can't imagine anything ever happening to him or her. Well, actually, I imagine all too much something bad happening to him or her.
Sunday morning brother Billy's sermon and my Sunday school lesson all revolved around God's faithfulness. Looking back on my life (even though I haven't been alive all that long), and especially the last year and the length of our marriage, I can see God's faithfulness and provision in our life. Why is it so hard to trust that he will continue to be faithful? Why is it so hard for me to put this child's life in his hands, as if its not already there anyways? Well we all know why. Because I'm a controlling person and mother and I want to be the boss and be in charge and take care of everything and make it ok. But I hope to be a recovering control freak. I have a hope I will get over this chronic issue.
Last time I went home to visit, I asked my momma how long it took after she became a momma to think to herself, "Ok, I can handle this. I can do this." She's a pretty smart person, and a wonderful mother, so I was excited to hear her insight into the world of parenting. Do you know what she said??? "I don't think I have yet." AWESOME.
Is motherhood like being a grown up? You think other people have arrived at it, but once you get there you realize your never really ready for it?
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