Last Tuesday I was sitting in Graves computer lab when I felt it. Absolutely, believe me or not, I felt it. Our little Joy jumped a little. It was a super soft flutter, but it was real! It was NOT gas (I mean come on, I've had plenty of gas in my lifetime. I know what that feels like), it was our child rustling around inside my belly. I even texted our OBGYN Kim and she said its not impossible. NOT IMPOSSIBLE. And it was definitely a full fledged flutter. It felt like he or she was tickling me real soft from inside. It was marvelous. I felt it again that night and this past Friday. Its maybe the coolest thing I have felt ever. It makes the pregnancy seem even more real, and what a reminder of the miracle that God is GROWING ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE ME!
This story is about to get much more interesting too in the next 12 hours or so. At 9:00 tomorrow morning we have an appointment. A very important appointment. Probably so important I won't even get to sleep tonight (which is a rare occurrence for me these days). A future-determining appointment. We find out the gender!!! Its an incredible mystery I am dying to find out. As long as our little baby isn't a shy guy or being modest, we'll find out tomorrow. This is truly worse than Christmas. My friend Jenny is as far along as me, but she cheated and found out already that she's having a little boy. She had an unfair advantage though because she works at hospital and has ultrasound technician friends. Anyways, when she told me tonight I almost jumped out of my sweater I was so happy for them! I can't even begin to imagine how I'll feel tomorrow about our own baby! I'll probably tear up or cry- I've been a big cryer lately. Last week I was watching Law and Order and I started weeping-like loud uncontrollable ugly crying, over a fictional plot on a T.V. show. Real life is going to make me hysterical!
I'm noticing something else about pregnancy I wasn't expecting. I kept searching my mind to find a word to describe the way I've been feeling lately, and then it hit me. Its sort of like...well it reminds me of...yes- puberty. Exactly. I'm totally grumpy and emotional and SLEEPY and hungry and ultra sensitive at times. I have this new super weird body that none of my clothes fit right anymore, and I have no idea how to dress myself sometimes. I even have a bit of body image issues I think. I mean- there are some huge weird things happening to me, and learning to embrace this ever-changing body is challenging. But I have learned some important insight thanks to all this. Pre-pregnancy, I would maybe define myself as scrawny, skinny armed, with the exact shape of a pencil. There were things about myself, as I suspect there are with all women, that I would like to have been different. And I have been vowing to change that perspective of myself, because I know that when the Lord made me, he made a good thing. A masterpiece. And NOW, as I am gaining new curves and a fuller belly, I suddenly miss my old body and it doesn't seem all that bad. Isn't that just the devil's tricks- the grass is always greener on the other side. Or on somebody else. So this is what I'm learning my second round in puberty: that my view of my (super weird) body will never be a healthy one if I am constantly comparing myself to a socially constructed idea of beauty. Beauty is in the imperfections and the differences in people, not the replicated identities we try to create. I will always be unhappy with myself if I can't see me for who I am. And I am a daughter of the King, a loving and loved wife, a mother... Now I sound like I'm complaining don't I? But let me tell you I never in a million years thought growing my beautiful baby inside me would cause my body image to suffer. But lets be real. Its a huge change, and takes a huge adjustment. And I am hugely excited to experience all that is to come. But its still hard sometimes when my face feels fat and my sweats are getting tight and half my closet feels like it shrunk overnight. These are all serving as little reminders of how I once felt and how many of our students are probably feeling. In that way I am thankful to be revisiting this terrible insecurity head on. So let me say this to all the girls (or I guess boys too) in our youth or otherwise who feel the same occasional dissatisfaction in the mirror- I'm learning who am I to call what God called "very good" anything less. Whatever I look like is ok. Its actually more than ok- its what God calls beauty ( Psalm 45:11) and it is good. I pray the Lord will restore my confidence and others' too. Lets all celebrate the differences that allow us to be beautiful- thick or thin, dark or light, any size and any color, even the swollen pregnant girl. And there is beauty in all of it.
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