On August 6, the day before me and T.J.'s 1 year anniversary, I took a pregnancy test. No big deal! I have taken them before plenty of times, always with the same result. And here I sat on this particularly interesting day at the foot of our bed, when...two pink lines slowly appeared. If I could sum up the top four most impactful and ground-shaking events in my life, they would be as follows- the day I was accepted Jesus as my Savior, the day I accepted Jesus as my Lord, the day I married the love of my life, and 3 months ago when I peed on a stick. Talk about taking my breath away. It was completely unexpected and completely...life changing. But like I said before also fabulous and amazing and wonderful and super scary. We told our families IMMEDIATELY and told them to keep our wonderful little secret to themselves (which some of you did not do very well and I know you are reading this and you all should feel very bad and buy us expensive baby presents to make up for your wayward ways).
Something about being pregnant becomes more real when an important looking doctor tells you so. And Dr. Ray, our great OBGYN, did. We got our first pictures of our precious child when he or she was 5 weeks and 6 days a'cookin. To be honest, it really wasn't that interesting to look at. Just a tiny little dot on a grainy black screen. But that was the first time I really felt...like a mother. I heard once that when a person becomes a parent, its like a part of their heart is awakened. I felt that way. It was as if this capacity to love I didn't even knew I could have was suddenly overwhelming me, and our hearts were awakened right there in this sterile little room with nothing more than a dot on a screen. It sounds totally weird and cheesy, but it was like something I've never experienced before.
Suddenly I had all these questions and concerns and worries about if our baby was OK and what I needed to be doing. I stressed about bad drivers and if what I had been doing before I knew I was pregnant had hurt the baby and if I would crush him or her if I slept on my stomach, haha. The whole world looked different to me, and still does. The more I asked Dr. Ray, the more I heard how little was actually in my control. She told me some people do everything right and they lose their babies. Some women do everything wrong and deliver perfectly healthy babies. So I'm expected to believe I should just hope for the best??? My blood pressure was rising just listening to that! And so, I enlisted the wisdom of my husband's boss's wife Mrs. Susan ( who is a mother of 5 and a very HOT mom-so she knows what shes talking about). She told me that from the moment you discover you are a mother, the rest of your life becomes a lesson in learning to trust God. And to be honest, I am realizing that I thought I had alot more trust in the Lord than maybe I actually do. Its hard for me to let go. I KNOW that if something goes wrong, God is still good and still in control, and I KNOW that if everything is fine God is still good and still in control. But maybe theres a difference between knowing and really truly relying and resting in that truth. Bottom line- I'm learning I am a total control freak. Who knew. I definitely didn't. I thought I was laid back, calm and reasonable. I'm actually finding out however, I am controlling, and easily stressed, and worrisome. Don't take this the wrong way mom, but you were always the worrier and the nagger and the checker-upper-on-me-24-7. And it was annoying sometimes. But I completely understand it now. Its like this weird force of nature that keep pushing me to think of every issue and worry about every detail. But I resolve to resist this temptation and depend on the Lord, even if I have to remind myself of this every day of the rest of my life.
Our last appointment we got more pictures, and baby Joy did cute-up a lot from the last time we saw him or her. Still had a huuuge head though. Seeing our baby really look like a baby was stunning. A lot of stuff does actually happen pretty quickly in there! We saw him or her move. I heard his or her heartbeat. OUR baby. Their tiny little heartbeat. All being woven together inside my steadily growing stomach by the very hand of our creator. Its such a miracle. I all but broke down seeing our child with such clarity. Billy Graham said he knows theres a God every time he looks at a new born baby. Well I know theres a God even before I see this baby face to face. Face to screen is convincing enough for me.
I am absolutely in tears, Malyssa.. PLEASE continue to write in this blog throughout this journey. Its beautiful.
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