I'm not ready...

     I seem to be at a crossroads that makes me a bit of a contradiction to myself. Today was registration for preschool at Valley View. TJ and I got up before the Sun, drove to Valley View, and waited in line for 45 minutes OUTSIDE. IN THE COLD. BEFORE THE PRESCHOOL EVEN OPENED. It was like the midnight premiere of breaking dawn all over again. And we filled out the paperwork to register our sweet baby for... preschool and play and stay. I think I died a little inside. Preschool?? Preschool? Already? The idea of someone else, regardless of how capable they are, taking care of my daughter while I do something as frivolous as school? Heartbreaking. I'm not ready.
     On the other hand, as I woke up waaay too early this morning and grouchily got ready, I thought to myself, "This is it. The beginning of no more sleeping in and no more cuddling my husband to wake. No more 10 hour sleep cycles." I'm not ready.
      Geez I'm sleepy and want things to stay just as they are sometimes. And geez I can't wait till things change and Madelyn is here in my arms and looking into my eyes sometimes. And geez I CAN wait till the day I gotta hand my kid off to some other mom to take car of her.
     T.J. says sometimes there is no making me happy. I don't know where he gets foolish ideas like this, but maybe he's right this one time in this one situation. lol. I just don't feel ready for anything. ALL the change is scary and fantastic, and all we will soon be leaving behind is also scary and fantastic. I'm nervous about the delivery, not just me but Madelyn too. I've started worrying about things that could be wrong with her and sicknesses she could get. I'm worried she won't like me or I'll be bad at mothering. I'm worried about starting school in possibly a new program and missing out on her growing up. I'm worried about how T.J. and my relationship will change as we welcome in a new part of our family. I'm worried about whatever semblance of a social life I can manage after Madi takes over all my time and affections. I'm worried about swimsuit season and my old clothes I so desperately miss. I just don't feel ready.

Does anyone ever feel ready going into something like this?

     I had an interview today for MAP, the program I'm trying to get into. Besides my baby heater making me super sweaty when I get a little nervous, I think it went well. I really like one of the professors. She's this Catholic nun who is super sweet and always throws out bits of wisdom in average conversation. Its awesome. Anyways, she started talking about how people don't really understand death correctly. We experience death thousands of times in our lives, according to her. When Madelyn first rolls over, its the death of her time before. When she walks for the first time, its the death of her life before. And we celebrate these milestones because they are good and positive and exciting, but theres also a tinge of sadness to it too, isn't there? Its the death of the life before, the part of life that will never come again and is forever gone. That kind of really exactly explains how I feel. I'm so excited for whats to come, but I feel sad for the death of the old chapter in life too.

     Lifes hard. Ministry is hard. Marriage is hard. PREGNANCY is hard. But its all been good. Great even. I just feel scared about all the new things coming our way. Its intimidating, right?