I met a lady named Tammy two days ago. I was sitting in my church's parking lot all alone, minding my own business, when she walked up to my car and knocked on my window. She said her car had broken down and she needed a ride to the gas station down the road. I was hesitant, because I watch alot of forensic files and I'm 7 months pregnant, but she was nice so I let her in my car and drove her down to the Shell. She told me this really terrible story of recent events that had happened in her life, and asked for "another favor." She said she needed money for clothes, threw around phrases like "I'm a christian," "its only money," and "if it were me I'd help you out...". And I felt sad for her and her hardships, so I talked to her for a little while, gave her some money, and sent her on her way. As I drove off I called my husband to tell him what had just happened, and he proceeded to tell me I had been lied to. Now I'm not sure if thats true or not, but the more I thought about it the more I really felt swindled! I drove down 69 and did not see Tammy's alleged car that broke down. In fact, she didn't even come from that direction when she walked up to my car! I may not ever see Tammy again, but as I kept thinking about what she did, I started steaming about it. I know its very "unholy" of me (shocking I know), but I planned out the good talking to I'd be giving my friend Tammy if I ever had the pleasure to meet her again. I don't know if I've ever had someone lie so blatantly to my face in order to meet their own self-serving desires! She used the name of my God to try to pressure me into giving her a ride and money, and took advantage of my good intentions and generosity. Once I figured it out (or had it pointed out to me, rather)-I was ticked. For lack of a better word.
I thought about this for quite a while. What a dirty rotten terrible excuse for a person. How low and how dishonest. And then I went to church tonight. We are just getting ready for this big event Sunday through Wednesday called "The Awakening." Its going to be great and I know the Lord is going to move, and tonight was completely focused on prayer and getting our hearts and priorities right. And I realized something. How often do I act like Tammy toward God? I only come to him, knock on his window, and ask him for things because I want something. I don't really care about the relationship or what he has to say to me. I only want what serves me best at the moment. I only want to trick him into giving me what I want. I don't really want to change, I just want to be accepted and assisted when I need it. I swindle God. I pull a Tammy.
This brings me to my next thought. Brother Billy asked us to think of idols we put before God, things we may sometimes deem more important or valuable than a relationship with the Lord. The things that make us a Tammy-a dirty rotten excuse for a "christ-follower." The extremely human and carnal parts of our lives that separate us from the power of God in our lives. If I can be honest and transparent for a moment, I know what mine is. Its pride. TJ had like 7 different very specific things (he's smarter than I am) but I only could only think up one. Pride. And when my pride is thwarted it bothers me deeply. If I am disrespected and my pride is injured, I feel myself bowing up in defense of...my self. If I feel less than in any way, I am deeply wounded. For most of my easy, middle class life, I have been successful. I have had this small quiet voice in my head whisper, "You are smart. You are beautiful. You are capable and good, and likeable. You are better than some people. You make good decisions. YOU ARE special, and golden." Absolute vanity I know. But through the world's eyes, someone might say that of my life. At least maybe they used to. And I loved it. Needless to say my pride grew pretty big and strong. But then I left for college, and nobody knew how "big of a deal" I was. People didn't look at me the same. I got married, and suddenly my peers didn't know how to react to me. I moved alot and didn't join many groups or clubs, so nobody knew me. I got pregnant with this wonderful child, and the gap between me and my peers grew deeper. My pride took quite a beating. Now the voice whispering how wonderful I am quieted, and a meaner less pleasing voice started to speak. "Your not better than anyone else. You aren't golden. Your not the smartest or most capable. Your not quite as good as you thought you were." And I'm realizing now that was maybe a way of God helping to deflate this huge pride of mine. But I am resilient, and my pride definitely still exists. Lately I've been struggling with another voice, not of God, saying things like "This beauty of yours, is over with. You are permanently and irrevocably marked, and you will never be beautiful again." Harsh I know, but there have been nights I've gone to bed having to beg the Lord for the eyes he sees me with. Because I look at my big old self sometimes, and only see stretch marks and ill-fitting clothes, or chubby cheeks and swollenness. It hurts my pride, because I feel less attractive and more mommish. I can feel the focus shifting off myself and onto my precious little daughter. And it hurts my...pride. It has been so easy to focus my entire life around, well, myself. I lift myself up and glorify what I can do, what I am, what I can accomplish and make happen, WHO I AM. If things don't go as Malyssa would like them to, I am heartbroken. And maybe just maybe I should be less concerned about me and my looks and my feelings and accomplishments, and more concerned with the Lord's feelings and his plans. I should be heartbroken when things don't go as the Lord would like them to. My heart should be his heart, and his goals should be mine. My pride should be transformed into humility and service to Him, and others. Even to jerks like Tammy I guess. This week at The Awakening, I want God to transform people's hearts and draw them to Himself. But I also really want Him to transform MY heart and draw ME to Himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment